Four years ago, Aerial Telly wrote a sympathetic piece about Peaches Geldof and her attempt to get under the skin of teenage America. He’s the kind of guy who tries to see the good in everyone and wished nothing but the best for this young pup who had been through her share of trauma. Yet Aerial Telly is not a clairvoyant – he just seems like one because of his phenomenal success with betting. It was not for him to foresee the shell of a woman Peaches Geldof would become. When Fearne Met Peaches is the second in a series of shows where a vacuous nobody meets another vacuous nobody, does nothing, then films it. It’s what television was invented for.
“She is desperate to get across that she’s really intelligent, reads books and thinks about stuff but the horrible little madam who believes she is entitled to the world and everything in it surfaces at every opportunity.”
Fearne Cotton1, following Geldof around like a deranged ment, sets the scene. “She’s grabbed headlines for her whirlwind marriage, her many tattoos and rumours about her spirituality” Eh? If you say so. Fearne wants to get to know the real Peaches. Problem is, the real Peaches is something of a shithead. She is desperate to get across that she’s really intelligent, reads books and thinks about stuff but the horrible little madam who believes she is entitled to the world and everything in it surfaces at every opportunity.
You can’t get enough of the cameras in your face. You actively court it with everything you do, say and are. Shut up.
It starts early on. She greets Fearne dressed like a prostitute and neither of them seem to know what to do. “Hello everyone” she says to the crew who do not respond in keeping with the conventions of documentary making. OMFG! Peaches is pissed. “Can I not introduce myself or are you going to just stick a camera in my face right now?” You agreed to this you fucking moron. You can’t get enough of the cameras in your face. You actively court it with everything you do, say and are. Shut up.
Fearne asks tough questions like “What do you think about the haters out there who don’t know who you are and don’t know anything about you?” When following Peaches round during her “work” for Nylon magazine she trails behind her like an Arab’s wife. Peaches does vox pops in the streets for the magazine, asking questions like “Do you like them to hang low up your ass?” in an absolutely ludicrous American accent.”I like awkwardness” she tells Cotton “I find awkward silences really interesting”. Must be a fucking interesting life then.
It probably should be said that Fearne Cotton is not very bright. “I must admit I’m really impressed with Peaches’ presenting style”. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that it doesn’t take much to impress Fearne. “I’ve seen that it’s not true that Peaches doesn’t work and that she hasn’t got talent – she was great on the streets just now” Well, she certainly dressed for the part
Fearne has seen the 2-hours-a-week journalist but wants to see Peaches the Party Girl (i.e. what she is famous for) so she brings an expensive bottle of champagne round to her apartment. “That’s kind of intense” says Peaches, dispensing with such pleasantries as “thank you” and then pisses off to her friends with Cotton tagging along dragging her unopened bottle behind her. “I don’t party in New York” Peaches tells her.
But of course she’s lying. Peaches goes out on the razz without Fearne which is horribly rude, petulant and cunty. The following morning, as Fearne tries to sympathise over the pressures of fame, Peaches interrupts says “you know what I’m intrigued by? Space… wormholes, Stephen Hawking’s theories and Richard Dawkins’ theories” Oh, she’s deep this one. There is nothing more depressing in this world than the stupid person who believes they are intelligent.
And she’s a fucking Scientologist now. Well of course she is. Scientology – that lying bullying haven for the spiritually barren, emotionally crippled, control freak bastard offspring of the famous was practically invented for the likes of Peaches Geldof.
“So who is the real Peaches Geldof? Spoilt little rich girl, pampered twat, deluded fucknut, no-talent shitheel, coke snorting goon, world’s worst groupie and history’s least attractive underwear model.”
“I’m beginning to feel that Peaches doesn’t really want me here” says Fearne as Geldof disappears on her for the 45th time in two days which, again, is kind of rude given that she’s only doing her job and, it bears repeating, she agreed to do this bollocks.
So who is the real Peaches Geldof? Spoilt little rich girl, pampered twat, deluded fucknut, no-talent shitheel, coke snorting goon, world’s worst groupie and history’s least attractive underwear model.
She really doesn’t come out of this very well
The best thing about it: The moments of unintentional hilarity.
The worst thing about it: That public schoolgirl sense of entitlement
The verdict on When Fearne Met Peaches: Vacant to a frightening degree.
Marks out of 10: 4
1 Aerial Telly knows a great true story about Fearne Cotton which is not publishable here but he will gladly tell you should you run into him around the way. Suffice to say that Miss Cotton’s reputation comes up smelling of roses as far as he is concerned.
Imagined: Friday, October 30, 2009