Aerial Telly is no stranger to entertaining two lovers simultaneously. When you and your "girlfriend" had your big confession session which you intended as the erotic pinnacle of your relationship and she confessed to experimenting with threesomes and your big confession was once getting a poorly executed outdoor handjob from the campus bike who mistook you for the guy who could push her to the front of the boiler repair queue and you were torn up with jealousy did you know that Aerial Telly was the man with whom she and her girlfriend were experimenting? Well now you do. Of course, not all threesomes are as exciting as this. Most will be like the ones explored on Hidden Lives - Three In A Bed, Five's salacious Monday-night effort.

"Your big confession was once getting a poorly executed outdoor handjob from the campus bike who mistook you for the guy who could push her to the front of the boiler repair queue."

John and Shanea are your regular South Wales married couple. He's a burly shaven-headed bozo and she looks like a bit of a scuttler. To cut a short story shorter, after Shanea popped out three spawnchilds they decided to have an open marriage where she met Noel, another baldy bozo, fell in love and moved him into the family home. Things got more complicated when Noel got Shanea pregnant and she bore him a daughter, Mercy. Shanea had no idea how she got pregnant. Mercy fuck, anyone?

"Noel got Shanea pregnant and she bore him a daughter, Mercy. Shanea had no idea how she got pregnant. Mercy fuck, anyone? '"

Shanea hasn't had it easy in life. At school, she was bullied so hard she lost her hair through stress. I thought that type of thing only happened in cartoons. The irony of their situation is that with four kids, the three of them all sleeping in the same bed and spit roasting being off the menu they rarely get laid. All-in-all, they were really quite dull.

Also promoting the alternative lifestyle was Australian slacker Dean and his wife Davina. Dean is a pretty good looking bloke but his flagcracking wife was a horror show. So, you'd naturally assume that he was the one to suggest "seeing other people". And how wrong you'd be. For it was Davina's bisexuality that got the better of her and she invited Jen, a plain Jane teed of no consequence whatsoever into the marriage. And not the attractive Plain Jane Superbrain type either. Oh hell naw.

"Your mother needs to know about your flagcracker wife sucking pussy with a tedious mousy frump like she needs a face full of cum from Les Patterson."

Dean seemed abnormally pleased with himself as if he'd just won some erotic lottery. "I get to watch them together". So what? They are both hella fugly. In a deeply annoying scene, Dean rings his mum in Australia to tell her of his new marital arrangemen . Feigning surprise at her disapproval for the cameras, he comes across as a self-righteous jerk. You don't have to tell your parents everything. You don't have to tell your parents anything. "Is that a church thing?" he asks his mother "Is that a societal thing?" Oh fuck off you pompous little cunt. That's your mother you're talking to. She needs to know about your flagcracker wife sucking pussy with a tedious mousy frump like she needs a face full of cum from Les Patterson .

"'I did feel love for every single person I slept with.'Shut up,
you lying little fuck. Just say you wanted some dick and have done with it."

In the interests of balance, the programme also looked at the experience of Sarah and Ben from Southampton. In Aerial Telly's extensive experience somebody always gets jealous in the threesome dynamic and with his fucking horrendous set of teeth it's no surprise it was Ben. While no stunner, Sarah was half-decent so it's understandable that they "didn't click physically" but did click "on a soul level". Or it would be if she had a soul. Sarah wanted to fuck someone else and Ben said alright because he felt he didn't have a choice (he's not fucking wrong there). Sarah was a vile manipulative creep who managed to convince herself that everything she did had noble motives. After slagging her way through her marriage to the tooth fairy she insisted "I did feel love for every single person I slept with." Shut up, you lying little fuck. Just say you wanted some dick and have done with it.

"If you're a self-satisfied Australian who indulges his flagcracker wife's bisexuality, take a look around you and notice that nobody is jealous of you."

Anyway, they're split up now. Her in her smug, vacant, dead-eyed, self world; him searching the Web for polyamorous contacts for his future slut paradise. What's the lesson here? Well, I think it's "don't get ideas above your station". Don't fall in love with a sexually attractive woman who is plainly out of your league. If you're a self-satisfied Australian who indulges his flagcracker wife's bisexuality, take a look around you and notice that nobody is jealous of you. And if you're a bald Welsh woman fucking a Mitchell brothers tribute act well, good luck to you. Somebody's got to do it.

The best thing about it: Modelling shots of bald Shanea

The worst thing about it: The smug look on Dean face as he parades his two "stunners"

The verdict on Hidden Lives - Three In A Bed: Roll over. Roll over.

Marks out of 10: 7

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