Aerial Telly is all about the cinema. He's obviously all about the telly and the pussy but he does get occasional gaps appearing in his panopticon schedule and he will frequently fill them with a fix of celluloid. He watches all types of movies. Though, it has to be said that disappearing down a hole into a mysterious hellish cavern with six women isn't Aerial Telly's idea of a good time. Disappearing from a bar with one of his readers' "girlfriends" is more his line. Still, he took one for the team in watching The Descent, a creepy little chiller which takes us down into the caves of the subconscious and reminds us that it's not going to be OK, everyone's going to die and it's all your fault.

"Disappearing down a hole into a mysterious hellish cavern with six women isn't Aerial Telly's idea of a good time. Disappearing from a bar with one of his readers' 'girlfriends' is more his line."

The film kicks off with central character Sarah (Shauna Macdonald) being driven home from white water rafting by her husband Paul as their daughter sits in the back. She notices he is a little distant. Could it be because he's fucking her outrageously gorgeous friend Juno (Natalie Mendoza)? Possibly, but Sarah suspects nothing so Paul turns to reassure his over-sensitive wife that all is well with the world. This unfortunate lapse in concentration is all it takes for Paul to ease across the road and smash into the oncoming white van sending two lengths of copper piping through the windscreen and through his and his daughter's skulls, killing them instantly and spectacularly. The van driver survives to recount the tale in The Sun's White Van Man column.

"Thankfully, two lengths of copper pipe shot from my roof skewering both the husband and their hateful child."

Today's White Van Man: Fred Brasser, Yorkshire

I was driving my van down a country road recently when I was involved in a head-on collision with a sickeningly smug couplescum whose husband appears to be having an affair. Thankfully, two lengths of copper pipe shot from my roof skewering both the husband and their hateful child. It looked rather like one of those kebabs the wogs do when we holiday in Kos. Maybe he'll drive a bit more carefully in future!

The prospect of husband-child julienne turns Sarah into a bit of a screaming mong so to mark the first anniversary, her friends organise a Vlad the Impaler theme night. Only joking, though their actual idea of exploring a mysterious cave in the Appalachian mountains turns out significantly worse for the chumps. It starts off nicely enough with boozy female bonding in a cabin. Sarah and Juno's friend Beth (Alex Reid) joins Holly (Nora-Jane Noone), an extreme sports bore and sisters Sam (MyAnna Buring) and Rebecca (Saskia Mulder) in the fun .

"'I thought it would be good for Sarah' Juno explains. Course you did, doll. Is that what you said about blowing her husband?"

As they get cracking inside the cave, there's an immediate claustrophobic feel to proceedings, a feeling exacerbated when a cave-in traps them inside. Juno takes this opportunity to inform them that the well mapped cave she told them this was is somewhere else and they are in fact in a never mapped labyrinthine hell hole. "I thought it would be good for Sarah" she explains. Course you did, doll. Is that what you said about blowing her husband?

"Holly is quickly dragged away for a dinner date where she is the main course. The crawlers mercifully took the most annoying character first."

Soon enough all kinds of hell breaks loose as they realise they are not alone and are being stalked by pale translucent humanoid creatures known as 'crawlers'. The vicious omnivores scuttle around the caves as blind as bats, navigating through sound. It's not long before they claim their first victim and Holly is quickly dragged away for a dinner date where she is the main course. The crawlers mercifully took the most annoying character first. I wish that always happened in horror films

Perhaps feeling that she got them all into this fucking mess, Juno gets all Buffy on the crawlers and rags on their story asses, killing one of the punks. Regrettably, in her enthusiasm, she stabs Beth through the neck, leaving her for dead. Being Juno's friend seems to be a very hazardous occupation. The Diff'rent Strokes curse ain't got shit on her. As the film enters its final furlong, we are down to Juno and a blood-drenched Sarah who's not just cranky at being trapped with underground monsters out to kill and eat her - she's now discovered Juno was fucking her husband. Who says you don't learn anything on these outward bound trips?

"Horror demonstrates time and time again that nature is bad and will continue to work against our best interests until we're not here at all."

The Descent is a very effective spine chiller, more so than you've any right to expect from the cookie cutter premise. It's already moody, dark and affecting before the crawlers show their unholy faces and the timing and flair of their hit and run raids is stunning. You can't really point to a stand out performance among the actors - the fear is down to mood and movement. Somewhat like The Blair Witch Project it allows nature to be The Big Bad by evoking our primal fear of being trapped, lost and hunted. The caves look impressively demonic and have that implacable elemental indifference that made Picnic at Hanging Rock so memorable. Horror demonstrates time and time again that nature is bad and will continue to work against our best interests until we're not here at all. An exploitation film on the horrors of organic food is surely just around the corner.

The best thing about it: The defiant air of hopelessness.

The worst thing about it: Stupid idiot screaming Holly.

The verdict on The Descent: An underground hit.

Marks out of 10: 8