Aerial Telly is a devastatingly gifted eBay trader. He doesn't do it for the money. Motherfucker, "Money" Telly pays more tax in a month than you earn in a year so later for that shit. He does it for the sense of involvement. He's always been a student of "people" and the way they "think " and what goes on in what's left of their "minds". One particular trick of his which he will graciously share with you today is trawling the plus-sized sections of charity shops for dresses and suits for fat fucks. Why? i) because they are very cheap. ii) They are often nicely made and brand new as the high street chains will often find it impossible to shift the XXXXL items and are happy to donate them to the charity shops. iii) Fat bastards hate to shop in front of people. They hate anything that involves physical effort, particularly if it draws attention to their gigantic horrendous size. So they just love to shop online meaning that Aerial Telly's Fat Girl Specials auctions immediately have more bids than a used pair of Scarlet Johansson's panties. So he ends up making mad paper on the caper. His brilliant naturalistic understanding of the market, social psychology and fashion demonstrate once again why he is immune to the credit crunch, Working Lunch and Captain Crunch. He just doesn't get down like other people. Those who doubt him ? Suck cock by choice.

"So they just love to shop online meaning that Aerial Telly's Fat Girl Specials auctions immediately have more bids than than a used pair of Scarlet Johansson's panties."

But, my friends¹, that is not really what he's here today to talk about. In his eBay dealings he notices the listings of other "people" and he is often less than impressed. He notices certain buzzwords being used by people who don't seem to know what they mean. Buzzwords that becoming utterly meaningless through overuse. Buzzwords such as: retro, funky and kitsch.

"Well, they are in for a shock - an electric shock the first time they touch a metal door handle and 40,000 volts of static electricity shoots down their arm"

Retro is now taken to mean anything over 60 seconds old. Now any skanky polyester men's shirt with slightly large collars made in a Taiwanese sweatshop 14 days ago has the laughable label "retro". This is in the hope that the buyer will think that they are in an episode of Starsky and Hutch and are brilliantly and ineffably cool. Well, they are in for a shock - typically, an electric shock the first time they touch a metal door handle and 40,000 volts of polyester conducted static electricity shoots down their arm, the dumb motherfuckers.

"Nonetheless, he says with some certainty that funk did not involve a 'funky Vneck Cardigan' (0 bids), an 'acrylic wool blend top (funky!)'(0 bids), or an 'apple green smock size 14 funky' (2 bids, both clearly from either friends or the criminally insane)."

Funky is now taken to mean anything at all that isn't monochromatic (and, in fact, a lot of things that are monochromatic when they just couldn't think of any other way to describe them). Now, Aerial Telly never spoke to James Brown; he was not "down" with Bootsy Collins; he didn't politick with George Clinton. Nonetheless, he says with some certainty that the music they helped shape did not involve a "funky Vneck Cardigan" (0 bids), an "acrylic wool blend top (funky!)"(0 bids), or an "apple green smock size 14 funky" (2 bids, both clearly from either friends or the criminally insane),.

"And there is no vintage clothes shop or fayre that isn't filled with expensive low quality nonsense that Aerial Telly could pick up any old day of the week for a third of the price."

Vintage is perhaps the most destructive of all. The Vintage Clothes Fayre "movement"² single-handedly caused a 300% increase in the price of charity shop leathers. And there is no vintage clothes shop or fayre that isn't filled with expensive low quality nonsense that Aerial Telly could pick up any old day of the week for a third of the price. Why, it's like going to a jumble sale with two zeros added onto every price tag.

Aerial Telly isn't having it. He sees these "things" for what they are and is 100% on the case and will be making moves shortly to destroy the profiteering frauds making money off the gullible and the ignorant.

350 on the finger, 2000 on the wrist, 30,000 around the neck.

GHOST.

¹ Fuck you. You are not Aerial Telly's "friends".
²Think bowel movement but less productive.

Imagined: 4th November 2008

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