That Aerial Telly remains without an heir to his television fortune remains one of the great mysteries of our time. Girls be jocking him non-stop and with his occasionally laissez faire attitude to contraception it's a near miracle that he is not a father. Of course, he's been "mummy's special friend" to many a young tyke and his superhumanpowers of child communication have made him a surrogate father to scores of the nation's youth, including your's I've no doubt. It's not surprising, given the mongrel DNA from which they were spawned, that they instinctively incline towards someone infinitely higher up the food chain than their biological "father". So, not only am I hitting your baby momma but I'm also replacing you in your child's affections. What kind of "man" are you?

"It's not surprising, given the mongrel DNA from which they were spawned, that they instinctively incline towards someone infinitely higher up the food chain than their biological 'father'."

You should really kill yourself and do everybody a favour. Me and your boy will probably piss into your grave as you're lowered down and, in a time-honoured male bonding ritual, see who can piss the highest arc of liquid gold on to your budget package plywood casket that even termites would think twice about dining out on. Then we'll laugh and go to KFC to bully the ign'ant shitbags who can't get a proper job before returning home where I'll "comfort" his mother into the middle of next week. I repeat: What kind of "man" are you?

It's "men" like you who gave us documentaries like Pram Face, following as it does two single mothers Ala and Abby (hereafter referred to as Pinky and Perky respectively) in the run-up to Christmas. Director James Cohen gives a sympathetic portrayal of the plight of the single mom, convinced as he is that they are demonised in the media, based on an article from the Daily Mail circa 1986. Well, not totally sympathetic. "Some people say you should be grateful - at least you've got a roof over your head." Pinky looks at him as if he has just shat in her mouth - which, in a way, he has.

"Pinky looks at him as if he has just shat in her mouth - which, in a way, he has."

"Single mums are often demonised." insists James "But I found after spending six months with them that these two young moms are not at all like the stereotype." Oh did you now, buddy boy? I could have told you that after spending one night with one of them. I don't think there were many single moms where James grew up. Where I grew up the only married mum I knew was my mother. The rest of us have worked out all by ourselves that reality is more complex than a set of one-dimensional archetypes. Think you could be more patronising? With penetrating questions like "do the depressing housing conditions ever get you down?", Cohen bears a striking resemblance to Chris Langham's spoof documentary maker Roy Mallard. Fatuous questions and inane narrative seem to be his stock-in-trade.

"That might sound bad to you but I remember when I was a student £30 could feed a family of seven for a month if you shopped at Farm Foods."

The girls seem to tolerate James's presence with wry amusement - even mocking him on one occasion on his left behind camcorder. Perky, though, has bigger issues on her mind - namely avoiding her possessive ex-boyfriend. Pinky shares ex-boyfriend issues with her friend; she was left to fend for herself when babyfather Liam walked out. He pays £2.50 a week maintenance which is coincidentally Paul McCartney's opening offer for Heather. He gets back with Pinky for a few months and she's torn between tolerating a known shit heel and the benefit to her sons (the intriguingly named Harlan and Caleb) from having their dad around. She has only £30 a week to spend on food and shit after household expenses are taken into account . That might sound bad to you but I remember when I was a student £30 could feed a family of seven for a month if you shopped at Farm Foods. Just saying, is all.

"She has a chain-smoking pisshead mom who wants to help out. She could start by taking the empties back and starting a trust fund with the proceeds."

Despite the hardships, Pinky insists "I love my life". She clearly adores her children. "I look at them and I feel special. I feel like I've achieved something". She has a chain-smoking pisshead mom who wants to help out. She could start by taking the empties back and starting a trust fund with the proceeds.

There's a totally contrived and moronic set piece where they go to a clothes store where they can't afford anything. Pinky tries on a jacket she likes that costs too much. She throws a strop saying "What's the bloody point, eh? Can't afford it". Well, I could have fucking told you that. Don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining. Stuff like this doesn't help the "me too" victim mentality that prevails pretty much everywhere at the moment.

Pinky is very much the focus of the documentary and Perky doesn't really seem to have a lot going on in her life. I'd like to have seen more of her as she's quite a piece of ass. She's probably out getting laid every night and I wouldn't begrudge her that but it would rather spoil James's slightly naive vision of single moms as modern-day saints and breadline surfers raising the next generation of humanitarians and philanthropists. For every Pinky and Perky there's a Maxine and Meeshelle raising the kids who are going to be robbing you in ten years' time. Call it a stereotype if you like - it's also a fact.

"Pinky confesses 'Sometimes I feel like a robot. I do the same routine every day and it's tedious.' I'm starting to feel the same about watching Cutting Edge."

Having rather dreary lives livened only when they get a piece of ass or day trip,
Pinky and Perky are two bright lasses doing their best raising spawn under not the best of circumstances. Maybe you know a girl like that. Maybe you are a girl like that, in which case maybe you'll meet someone like me* and your Stepford Mom reality may briefly be illuminated by their presence. With refreshing candour Pinky confesses "Sometimes I feel like a robot. I do the same routine every day and it's tedious." I'm starting to feel the same about watching Cutting Edge after this and last week's abysmal showing.

The best thing about it: Interviews with the pissed mom

The worst thing about it: The shopping moment

The verdict on Cutting Edge: Pram Face: A documentary about nothing. Beckett himself would be like "more colour".

Marks out of 10: 5

* Disclaimer: there is no-one like Aerial Telly

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