All television invites ridicule. Barging your way into someone's living room and occupying their time is quite an audacious act. You're totally at their mercy - they can turn you over, turn you off or tape you and replay your crap parts over and over.

"My Penis And I is either the most courageous film ever made or a self-indulgent piece of nonsense. "

For these reasons My Penis And I is either the most courageous film ever made or a self-indulgent piece of nonsense. Film-maker Lawrence Barraclough made the film about his tiny penis and the effect it has had on his life. Which takes balls. I guess.

Whether this betrays a remarkable faith in his fellow man or a need to be the centre of attention is unclear. Either way, he's dealt with being self-conscious about his wiener by telling 4 million people about it. No wonder he's confused.

"I forget her name as she wasn't sexually attractive. Let's just call her the girlfriend of the guy with the small dick."

He's been in a relationship for nine years but his girlfriend takes some persuading to appear in the film. "I don't want be thought of as the girlfriend of the guy with the small dick.". I forget her name as she wasn't sexually attractive. Let's just call her the girlfriend of the guy with the small dick.

Lawrence wonders what it is about penis size that so obsesses men. "So, I'm going to Birmingham to talk with my dad about his penis". There's a sentence I hope I never have to say again.

He first approches his mother and there's a very strange creepy scene where he talks to her about his father's penis. "What did you think when you first saw it?". His mother replies "that's personal". I should bloody think so too. The oedipal complications of this scene would require a sturdier stomach than mine to untangle.

Mammy proudly informs him that he comes from a long line of small cocks, so he quizzes his father about his experiences in the army, changing in front of his well-hung comrades. "My dong wasn't as big as some of the guys there" dad reveals. Thus, the film brilliantly establishes early on that Some Boys Are Bigger Than Others.

"You can tell she really wants to be dicked down by the type of monster that Aerial Telly be packing but she'd want to get those teeth sorted out before that happens."

Lawrence's investigations then takes him uptown - doing the nightlife with five girls who all tell him it's all in his head, it's what you do with it that counts and other fatuous phoney baloney. Then he meets two pissed scuttlers, unaware of his film-making, who proudly tell him "of COURSE it matters". There's always someone.

The girlfriend of the guy with the small dick finally allows herself to be filmed and she takes a phlegmatic "there there" approach to the issue. You can tell she really wants to be dicked down by the type of monster that Aerial Telly be packing but she'd want to get those teeth sorted out before that happens.

A trip to visit Cynthia Plastercaster (the famous groupie who takes plaster-casts of rock stars erect penises) sees her take a cast of Lawrence's flaccid penis in one of the most pointless scenes I can remember. The suspicion that Lawrence just likes travelling around and talking about himself is difficult to shift.

"There didn't seem to be much point to this outing and the school changing room door seemed to agree, refusing to admit him entry."

He returns to school where he was bullied for his schlong deficiency. There didn't seem to be much point to this outing and the school changing room door seemed to agree, refusing to admit him entry. So there we stood in mute contemplation outside the door of the location where some of the cruellest jibes may have been thrown. Not quite the Berlin Wall footage is it?

He finds some kind of closure by visiting a Manhattan support group for men with small penises. Once he knows he's not alone, cooped up in an ivory tower of needle-dickdom he perks up a hell of a lot. The girlfriend of the guy with the small dick is happy because he's happy. Their relationship improves because he learns to love himself.

And yet she seems kind of bored with the whole thing. I know the feeling.

The best thing about it: The two scuttlers saying what women really think.

The worst thing about it: Too many dick shots.

The verdict on My Penis And I : Like jumping over buses, brave but ultimately pointless.

Marks out of 10: 6

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