British TV reviews and so much more. I've really just about had it with all you scumbags. Aerial Telly forever - worthless Twitter groupie slime never.
"a depressing but brilliant read.... a superbly written manifesto for nothing." Daniel Hart
Imagine it. It is December 2001. You are Spencer McCallum, Keeley Hawes's newly acquired husband. You couldn't be happier. The girl you love more than anything in the whole world has just pledged her troth to you in front of God and an invited audience of cocksmokers. You plan a blissful life together: you, your precious princess and your child. Christmas is coming. The muscles behind your ears hurt from grinning. You've had too much champagne. You've been on your feet all day and your ankle tendons are aching, but you don't care. This is the happiest day of your life. Soon, your wife will join you in your hotel room and blow you non-stop for three hours like the filthy little cocksucking minx you always prayed she was. Yet just eight weeks from now she will leave you for her Spooks co-star Matthew Macfadyen, rip your heart out of your chest, poke holes in it with her stilettos and then laugh as her new lover puts his cock into your still warm aortic valve and fucks the shit out of it. She will go on to fame and fortune, happily hacking her way through shows like Ashes to Ashes.The homewrecking sociopath has eaten your soul. You will never trust another woman again.
"Yet just eight weeks from now she will leave you for her Spooks co-star Matthew Macfadyen, rip your heart out of your chest, poke holes in it with her stilettos and then laugh as her new lover puts his cock into your still warm aortic valve and fucks the shit out of it."
And now here she is again playing an adulteress of all people (bet she had to dig deep to pull out that one) in BBC's new relationshit focused comedy drama Mutual Friends. Squealy Whores run the risk of being typecast if she plays any more arm-chewingly godawful women in these shows. It seems wife of the year Jen (Squealy) cheated on her husband Martin (Marc Warren), with his best friend Carl (Some Faceless Hack). She tells him this at Carl's funeral. Carl has just committed suicide and Squealy thinks this is a great time to tell hubby. They go to a therapist where they discover it was all Martin's fault which is likely something Squealy wrote into the script herself as a pointed barb at Spencer McCallum for being such a loyal, faithful, monogamous bastard to her.
"Martin keeps on saying embarrassing things too loud so that someone who shouldn't hear does hear. If there's a more played out comedic device I've yet to see it"
Squealy is not the only one being typecast as Marc Warren is essentially Danny from Hustle with a law degree. One of the annoying things about the first episode is how Martin keeps on saying embarrassing things too loud so that someone who shouldn't hear does hear. "You've been SHAGGING MY BEST FRIEND! " to his wife just as their son appears in the doorway. Describing two of his clients as "doughnut faced chavs" as they listen the other side of an open door. Describing his son's play as "shit" just as his son arrives and then yelling "piss off" down the phone just as Carl's widow walks through the door. Oh, he's a regular walking punchline this cunt. If there's a more played out comedic device I've yet to see it.
"Speaking of typecast actors, Alexander Armstrong reprises his role as the Pimms O'clock man to play Martin's best friend Patrick - a womanising gadfly, feckless in both love and business."
And speaking of typecast actors, Alexander Armstrong reprises his role as the Pimms O'clock man to play Martin's best friend Patrick - a womanising gadfly, feckless in both love and business. Sarah Alexander plays his ex-fiancee reprising her role as any number of halfway posh pretty blonde things.
It's hard to put my finger on why this annoyed me. Squealy Homewrecker didn't help - her very existence is a pain in my balls. But it bugged me more than it should have given that it's sort of well done for the most part. There's a nice eulogy from Patrick at Carl's funeral and Marc Warren does do the one role he is capable of playing well. I just don't really know what this show stands for yet. Are we supposed to want to throttle Keeley Hawes every time she comes on screen? Are we rooting for someone to get back together or split up or what? It doesn't seem to want to be anything other than a vehicle for some fairly hackneyed comedy.
This may change. It needs to.
The best thing about it: Alexander Armstrong I guess
