Hello all you turds. I'm very grateful for the dozens of e-mails I receive each day. I try to respond to each one, even if it's only a two-word response. I want you to know that the death threats, marriage proposals and helpful suggestions are all deeply appreciated.

I will post a selection here that I regard as representative of the type of human filth I have to deal with.

God bless you all.

A man calling himself 'Dave' gets all up in my face about the Battered Men: Hidden Lives review.

Subject: remove this review

i would like to complain about this review..

http://aerialtelly.co.uk/battered-men-hidden-lives.php

if you can't see why this review should be taken down then there's nothing more i can say about it.

Aerial Telly responds:

Yeah, I'll remove it. Right after you blow me

Actually, when Aerial Telly reads this review he doesn't immediately recognize himself. He concedes that to a casual reader, he does come across as an escaped Broadmoor ment. I mean, where does all the cunt kicking come from? Aerial Telly is a worshipper of the poontang and would never NEVER damage or abuse it in any way. He takes spectacular care of the insane quantity of pum-pum that is pushed his way. And even when the lady in question is into being dominated (and there have been more than a few of those) and asks him "please cuntpunch me Aerial Telly - it would mean so much" he simply quietly and authoritatively says "No, my lady- the wookie will come to no harm at my hands"

He's still all for beating up violent bullying thugs of all genders but he feels he should point out his immaculate record in taking care of the pie. No one looks after it like Aerial Telly. Stop your nonsense if you think otherwise.

Stairmasterphobe Jill Nitsche writes on the Ashes to Ashes review.

Have just finished reading your review of the first episode of Ashes to Ashes, and was frankly amazed by your sheer lack of professionalism. I realise that aerialtelly doesn't exactly specialise in reviews that could be featured in TheTimes, but I have to say, the way you brought up Keeley Hawes' private life - in particular her alleged 'home-wrecking' behaviour - was more than just a callous display of writing even The Sun wouldn't dirty its hands with; it also displayed a real sense of unnecessary cruelty. Exactly what does an actor's private life have to do with their public work, or for that fact, to do with you? You failed to make any substantial comments on the programme, instead focusing on gossip regarding the actors - I can only presume you missed the episode and tried to cover your tracks. Clearly, you failed miserably, both at writing a review that was worth reading, or even made any sense, and also of inducing people to continue to read your "articles".

Oh, and I would get yourself a better thesaurus. "Ambivalence" and "nuance" don't really sit too well with "whore". Jill Nitsche

Aerial Telly responds:

The stuff on Keeley Hawes' private life is totally relevant as her terrible performance is clearly influenced by an overdose of cock. It happens to many of our actresses and actors come to that. Stop your nonsense.

But Jill would not be defeated, ruthlessly playing the "I'm telling your mommy on you" card.

Very mature. Your parents must be so proud to have as intelligent and witty a son as you.

Jill Nitsche

Aerial Telly responds:

Aerial Telly's parents love him more than life itself and swell with pride every time they reflect that they produced the living embodiment of television.

Sometimes I really can't believe you "people".

Eva Shamoon wrote with a query about the Nigella review

why dont you like nigela ? regards eva

Regards,
Evati55
Perth, Western Australia,

Aerial Telly responds:

Nigella seems a nice enough lass, Eva, but the chat show blows like a hurricane. And she looks mental.

Regards

Aerial Telly.

Eva persists.

thank you for your reply, i live in australia i was born in iraq, do you know charles saachis email? i would love to email him and catch up with our back ground. thank you so much, regards eva,

Well, as Don Logan once said "I'm here for you, Gal..."

Aerial Telly responds:

Your best bet is to try http://www.saatchi-gallery.co.uk and look for a contact address there. If you get in touch, say hi from Aerial Telly - me and Charles used to hang together back in the day.

Cheers

Aerial Telly

I will update, of course, on any developments.

They just keep on coming. Can any of you douchebags actually read?

From Ruth Whelton <ruth.whelton@btinternet.com>
to thecoldgun@gmail.com,

Please could you consider me for yournext show, as i am getting married this August and want to look my best.

Unfortunatley i need your help to look ten years younger my I need to loose weight and i need a new smile for my wedding photes. Please could you make my dream come true as i enjoy watching the series.
Contact number is 07XXXXXXXX or ruth.whelton@btinternet.com

I look forward to hearing from you.

Aerial Telly responds:

Aerial Telly no longer has the words to respond to these e-mails.

What is it with you "people"?

DARREN702003@aol.com "writes", presumably referencing the Weeds review

subject: small brained american fuck

Wot the fuck do you know about the herb ya hillbilly fuck!!!!!

Aerial Telly responds:

I'm not American, you illiterate chav cunt.

What is it with you "people"?

Also hitting up Aerial Telly was Daniel Hart who had a more general query.

subject: About your writing...

Hi James... I just want to say, as a reader of the Guardian and Observer, admirer of people like yourself and Charlie Brooker, Chris Morris etc, that I enjoy your sick, jaundiced, perverse opinions a lot. I am an atheist, recognise that much satire is not making fun of, for example, LITERALLY paedophilia, the McCanns etc, but I want to express something else. Why are you writing, what seems to me, offensive, humanity-hating diatribes? They go so far beyond satire, they are psychotic with rage and violence even. I realise what you say is deliberately contentious. Sadly for our culture, I often agree with your awful, often self-loathing views. I could draw a line with Charlie Brooker - with him (in my opinion), there is a morality that underscores everything he writes or presents that gives succour to the vicious cruelty that he exposes as "TV", because there is something redemptive in his views, no matter how low, grim or banal the tv he decribes. In other words, I am reading a lot of stuff written by you that is plain offensive. Of course we are not talking about pakis, blacks and jews. Yet, it feels like the same thing - a kind of sneering, hate-filled attitude. For me, you have crossed a line, where satire has become gross, vicious and nasty. Whilst I recognise your obvious intelligence, I don't understand why your plume of bilious puke sprays so wide. Why? Your website is frankly a depressing but brilliant read - a superbly written manifesto - for - nothing. You write so nihilistically... maybe what you so deeply hate is avoidable? Perhaps you are a fundamentalist in your own way? I really don't see the balancing emotion that a guy like Charlie Brooker shows. Something to sugar the pill?! Dare I say, when I read your Guardian piece, or your site, I truly feel that there is someone who hates life and sees no other option. I hope I articulated myself enough. Tell me why you write, and feel the way you do. And, indeed, tell me why I am wrong! Dan

Aerial Telly responds:

Cockmuncher¹

¹Actually he doesn't. He wrote an articulate and marvellous response to Dan which reassured the over excitable boy and is now considering using "a superbly written manifesto - for - nothing" as his new byline.

Anger management class truant and seasoned salad dodger Lorna Wilson sent me this on the Battered Men: Hidden Lives piece in-between bites of her sausage roll bought with 4500 bonus points from her loyalty card at Gregg's.

Lorna Wilson <admin@tieore.com> hide details Feb 13 (2 days ago) Don't eat me!
to thecoldgun@gmail.com
date Feb 13, 2007 8:04 PM
subject Battered Men

You fucking ass....what the hell is your problem? Matthew stayed with his ex cos she was carrying his unborn child...so it was wrong for him to protect her? it was wrong of him to make sure she didn't kill his daughter? People like you should be destroyed. You're fucking sick, and by saying that domestic violence victims are turds is wrong...I would say I hope someday someone you love kicks the living shit out of you but I wouldn't even wish that on a fuckwit like yourself.

Aerial Telly responds:

And who got the cunt pregnant? Oh that's right - attention-seeking sack of shit Matthew. Still, there's always a fat girl with a blog to sympathise with the likes of him.

Go back on the Slimfast, shit- for-brains.

What is it with you "people"? Nice blog photo, by the way.

Bernadette Sims comments on the 10 Years Younger piece.

Barry Sims <barry.sims@dsl.pipex.com> hide details 5:21 pm (8 hours ago)
to thecoldgun@gmail.com
date Jan 19, 2007 5:21 PM
subject ten years younger

Well what a load of rubbish you have written, you must be ugly or else why else would you write this. I work in the centre of town and find it hard to see any people who make any kind of effort to make themselves look better and that’s be-cause they probably feel like crap and cant be bothered to make the effort. How you dress is a reflection of who you are and if you don’t give a crap about how u dress you don’t give a crap about your life and things in it.

Bernadette Sims

Aerial Telly responds:

Eat a dick, bitch.

An anonymous TV enthusiast writes on the Loose Women review

Anthonyevans27@aol.com to me
show details Nov 13 (3 days ago)

if it were not for the men in our lives then the 'loose women' would have nothing to be synical about..as for oxycodine etc..get your facts right..thats a pain killer not an antidepressant..loose women??? how about sagging men??

Aerial Telly responds:

Well, quite. I hate the growing problem of sagging men also. The bastards. And I hate synicism too. By the way, does your husband know you're using his e-mail account? I imagine him going to his sent items folder every day and whispering "oh Christ, not again..."

And where do I say or imply that oxycontin is an anti-depressant?

Aerial Telly

Isn't complaining about the men in your life on your man's e-mail a tactical error? No response to that as of yet but please, keep these pertinent and literate e-mails coming.

On 11/28/06, Sable Basilisk <rsoul@saintly.com > wrote: Subject: What a Winner You Are!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and from my wife’s bottom also, for bringing a whiff of the English public house to the nostrils of someone who sadly has been living in a tropical paradise for far too long. Just when I was despairing that the written word emanating from the old country has become politically correct and boringly trite you come along and brighten up my day with lashings of expletives and bucketfuls of excrement.

You’re not even deterred by having no knowledge of the particular subject or bothered about being seen as an intellectual dwarf. Bravo, if a critic were to say you don’t have the brains of a donkey, I’d leap to your defence and say you do. It warms the cockles of my heart to think that the Great British traditions of bigotry and ignorance still prevail. Don’t change, promise me you won’t ever get an education or switch the tele off and read a book, no I mean a real one without pictures. How I envy you, to be so poised and confident, so masterfully sure of your own self-importance, (yes I know that’s a tautology – did you?) to play such witty games with your witless opponents, to boldly go where no man has gone before!

To dispense wit and wisdom tempered with caution and censure in the manner of a benign monarch. A giant amongst men. To push one’s head deeper and deeper into the nether region where the sun doesn’t shine; and to do so again, and again, and again, tirelessly, fearlessly. May it truly be said of you one day that in your shadow lesser mortals quake!

rob soul

Aerial Telly responds:

Starts off well Rob, but you do over-egg the pudding a bit. Less is more in these cases as you want to give the subject the impression that they haven't really bothered you, which they obviously have in your case. Still, makes a change from the UR GAY e-mails I get.

Aerial Telly

If there are any other failed/frustrated writers out there who'd like to give their self-regarding critiques I'd love to read them. No, really. It's either that or deal with the "when does Prison Break come on terrestrial TV?" mails and that's no damn fun at all.

The X Factor piece prompted this remarkable exposé of simon cowlle from Mark "mongo" Lloyd.

On 3/28/06, Mybusiness90@aol.com <Mybusiness90@aol.comwrote:

mark lloyd created pop idol 5 half years ago live on key 1o3 fm radio
manchester the james stanage radio show in space 15 mins 2half years ago
he also didand created the xfactor this just gets more intresting simon
fuller takeing simon cowlle to court for copy write of pop idol against the
xfactor but simon cowlle opted for an out of court settelment why i mark
lloyd will tell you why because simon cowlle wasent the creator of the
xfator mark lloyd was simon cowlle is commiting perjury if he goes into
the highe courts of london he wasernt the brains behind the xfator also
simon fuller wasernt the creator of pop idol he is all so comiting perjury
in the courts funny old world isernt it says mark lloyd but im telling the
trueth and nothing but the trueth for the highe courts one day soon which
is jugement day for those greedy b------- that stolen my personel dialect
which was tape recorded and used with out my permishern and sold on to
make financel gain simon cowlle and simon fuller the people of the uk
and usa will now no the trueth once and forall wrtern by mark lloyd
today any discrepernses please do call on 01928 715756 mobil
07708210421

Aerial Telly responds:

You make a compelling case, Mark. I'll be looking to publicise this on Aerial Telly in the near future.

Regards

Aerial Telly

PS What are you wearing?

The review that prompts the most mail by far is Derek Acorah's Ghost Towns. Typically from bed-wetting believers in the paranormal drizzling on about god knows what but also from people who think that Aerial Telly is where you contact Derek Acorah to tell him about your ghostly experiences. Yes, they really do. Carolanne Shone for instance:

On 3/7/06, carolanne shone <carolanne.shone@ntlworld.com > wrote:
have you ever tried plas teg near mold flintshire... there is a woman who jumps in front of cars there is also a person on a horse. the main building was an old court house and people used to get hanged there, at the bottom of the drive they got burried in large mounds of soil.at the back of the property there is an old horse drawn herse.....i used to live near there but now live in scotland....do you have any plans to come near glasgow ????? thanks for a really good show....CHRIS AND CAROLANNE......if you want any more info about plas teg please email at .... carolanne.shone@ntlworld.com

Well, I hate to disappoint

Aerial Telly responds:
Hi Carolanne!

Thanks for the e-mail. I'm glad you've enjoyed the show. Plas Teg keeps on coming up in production meetings - it's only a matter of time before we get there.

Cheers!

Derek "Degsy" Acorah

PS. Have you got a webcam?

Carolanne, thrilled to get a personal response from Derek quickly wrote for clarification.

On 3/8/06, carolanne shone <carolanne.shone@ntlworld.com> wrote:
CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHY YOU ASKED IF I HAD A WEBCAM ????

Something I, I mean Derek, was only too happy to provide.

Aerial Telly responds:
Truth is Carolanne, I get lonely sometimes hunting ghosts. I've been getting an intuition about you - there's a great grandmother who's dead now, she has white hair. She's saying she sees a new man in your life - a silver-haired gentleman from the North. Is this making sense? There's so much I can teach you...

Don't judge me

Degsy

Obviously some wires got crossed somewhere down the line judging from Carolanne's response.

On 3/9/06, carolanne shone <carolanne.shone@ntlworld.com> wrote:

GET TO FUCK...CAROLANNE'S HUSBAND.

I dunno - you try help someone out...

Elsewhere, Diane Boddy got excited by the It's Me Or The Dog review

Sir

I found the language in this review totally objectionable and the excessive use of the f*** word offensive to say the least.

Aerial Telly responds:
I quite agree. The cocksucker responsible has been tied up and piss whipped.

Glad you're enjoying the site.

She wasn't the only one with strong feelings about the dog show. A C Needham, for example.

I have to tell u bout the worst dog eva

my brother - in laws ..................... wat a dog

my son waz going take it 4 a walk n asked were is mussle was ....................... sonny (the dog) had ate it!!!!

it eats from the table when we go 4 tea errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

please help even my brother in law says it shud be on your programme

the needhams - help

Aerial Telly responds:
They should put you in a fucking muzzle, you turd.

Gnuttypro69 writes on the House review:

my fucking son is frighten to deth that somone saying i am go to kill u

Aerial Telly responds:
A good point, well made, Pro. Write again soon.

Donna Marie Farmer writes, apparently after having half-read the Celebrity Fit Club piece

hi i writting this letter to see if i can on come on your show i am no rice i would like to lost i stone. i been on telvison went i was are childern with jimmy tarbuck went i was 8 year old all i need is some one to help me i would like you to get that man to get my to lost are stone i to feel ok my email is ianfarmer4@hotmail.com my name in full is donna maria farmer

Aerial Telly responds:
You sound ideal Donna. The men will be coming around to pick you up in morning. Enjoy the show.

Clare Booker raises a common question:

Could u please tell me on what night exactly "My penis And I " was shown on BBC3

Thanks

Aerial Telly responds:
How the fuck should I know? Do I look like the Radio Times? Idiot.

TV enthusiast, Adam Donlan enjoyed the Stepkids In Love review. In his own way.

i have just read your report on CH4's stepkids in love. why do you see it as
being incest if there is no blood link? or perhaps you like to write about
things you have little understanding of? either way, please e-mail me back
at adamdonlan@hotmail.com

thanks

Aerial Telly responds:
Adam, if I held off writing about things I had no understanding of you'd be reading an empty page. There's so much I don't know. But I know a pervert when I see one. Weirdo.

Lydia Cowell mangaged to miss the point a little here.

Hello,

I was wondering if you could tell me who it would be best to write to
regarding doing some work experience with Aerial Telly.

I am a third year Applied Communication student at the University of
Newcastle Upon Tyne and would love to get involved in the "behind the
scenes" aspects of television.

Thanks for your help,

Lydia Cowell

Aerial Telly responds:
Girl, you trying to get me arrested?

I was particularly pleased to receive the following missive from TV's Sergeant Glenn Ferguson from Channel 4's Escape to the Legion

What knid of remark was this "chased up and down sand dunes by repressed homosexual French skinheads".

How would you know how a drill sergeant acts. Ever been in the Foreign Legion, US Army? No , didnt think so! And a dwarf arent they 3 feet tall? Sorry 5' 3'' and done more as a man than you ever have. Not unless your a woman. None of us were french. "French Foreign Legion" look it up.
Amd repressed homosexual, now who would that be? We are all hetro. And married and not at any time did anyone display anythink that would be percived that way.

Im married to a wonderful woman and we have seven children. I know that its cool to be gay in the UK and you show a lot of it on your TV programs. so it will be accepted by the general public. But just becase your percived as a hard ass doesnt mean that your a repressed homosexual! Which I not. Love women and always have.

Sgt Glenn W Ferguson

Aerial Telly responds:
You're a crazy guy, Glenn, and I like your style. I don't really know about that foreign legion stuff you're talking about - I never watch the programmes I review as I find it prejudices my opinion.

But no way is Britain more gay than America. You are ten times gayer than us. It's a known fact that President Bush was taking pipe from Newt Gingrich for several years, Ronald Reagan was known as the blowjob queen of Whiteside County at high school and General Patton had more pricks than a pincushion.

I know what you're thinking. "Nothing wrong with sucking a bit of cock" and you're dead right. It's a fine tradition and America leads the world in it. Not many people know that Americans actually invented gayness and it's one of your most successful exports.

I mean, if Condolezza Rice has never drank from the furry cup then my name's Fuckface MacTavish. And I'm fairly certain it isn't.

I say: God bless America. The queerest nation on the planet.

Anyway, thanks for your comments. Would you like to do a link exchange?

Regards

Aerial Telly

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