The advent of cheap video recording equipment means no home is complete without a shaky wedding, christening or bar mitzvah tape carried out by a pissed Uncle Alan giving the proceedings a unique documentary feel missing from those £250 soft-focus professional jobs. Uncle Alan should have stuck to sexually harassing distant relatives because the only time these ever get watched is when the bride gets killed by a drunk driver and it's the only footage they can find of her wearing a dress that fits that the local news can show and say "oh aren't these drunk drivers cunts, they killed a woman who was once sexually attractive boo-fucking-hoo". So it's not really about the archiving of those precious moments when you finally got rid of your fat daughter or parasite son or the first time your child shat in a pot without a gun to their head. No, sales of camcorders are driven solely by the desire to record sexual activity between you and your significant other.

"Unlike Sam Fox and that other bongo leviathan Katie Price, Hazell is naturally beautiful and has breasts that do actually look like they should be growing on a mammal."

The democratisation of porn production has seen the emergence of the celebrity sex tape. Paris Hilton, Abi Titmus, Colin Farrell and Pamela Anderson have all been "horrified" to find their most intimate moments all over the Web like a rash. Allegations of celebrity collusion with the leaks is treated with the contempt it deserves. And the most recent victim of this horrifying can't-buy-this-type-of-publicity career boost is Keeley Hazell. Propelled into the consciousness of the softcore you-know-the-score massive by winning The Sun's Page Three Idol, Keeley Hazell is something of a Samantha Fox for our times. Unlike Fox and that other bongo leviathan Katie "Jordan" Price, Hazell is naturally beautiful and has breasts that do actually look like they should be growing on a mammal.

"Place your hand where your mouth should be and use that instead! Men are so colossally stupid they don't notice the difference! And if they do - who cares?"

As for the action itself, it takes place in a hotel room with Keeley going down on her ripped, chest-waxed chav boyfriend. Professional insaniac Germaine Greer complains that the fellatio on celebrity sex tapes is of a very poor quality. While this might seem churlish she has a point. Keeley makes the common mistake of using the hand far too much in her blowjobs. This is down to the advice dished out in women's magazines, year after year:

Q/ Dear Dr Sex. My boyfriend, let's call him Aerial Telly, has a schlong of impressive dimensions that is far too big for me to fit in my delicate mouth. What shall I do? I can't lose him. He's the best fuck I've ever had. Hazell

A/ Well, Hazell there's a very simple solution to your problem. Place your hand where your mouth should be and use that instead! Men are so colossally stupid they don't notice the difference! And if they do - who cares? They're so pathetically grateful for getting any kind of ass they'll keep schtum. I mean, face it - what are they going to do? Sue you under the Trades Descriptions Act? Girlfriend, purrrr-lease!

PS Has this Aerial Telly got a phone number?

"If you're waiting for the glamour model who exercises good judgment in picking men sex tape, I think you are a little too niche market for this website."

But let's not get too critical here. There's a very pretty girl sucking cock and that's never a bad thing. The boyfriend is a horrible cheesy tool but if you're waiting for the glamour model who exercises good judgment in picking men sex tape, I think you are a little too niche market for this website. Try the Philippines - those fucks will do anything.

"Terrible camera placement and muffled dialogue add authenticity to Hazell's claims that this really is the last thing she wanted appearing on the Internet."

Terrible camera placement and muffled dialogue add authenticity to Hazell's claims that this really is the last thing she wanted appearing on the Internet. He fucks her for a while but it's mainly his waxed back, sack and crack going up and down while you find a way to fast-forward in Media Player without crashing the movie. Keeley tries really hard and that's to her credit. With a bit more experience and less reading of Marie Claire sex advice I can see her coming up with a really stirring piece of work. If you want to see a really impressive celebrity bongo flick check out squeaky clean Croatian pop star Severina Vuckovic's addition to the canon. This girl goes like the clappers.

The best thing about it: She's really very pretty.

The worst thing about it: Waxed scrote chav.

The verdict on Keeley Hazell sex tape: A decent stab with more to come, we hope.

Marks out of 10: 7

Like the review? Download the e-book!

Contact Aerial Telly