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"a depressing but brilliant read.... a superbly written manifesto for nothing." Daniel Hart
Lauded by fools everywhere, the first of 45 minutes of Juno is the most smug, hateful film you can imagine. Ellen Page, the talented actress who plays Juno MacGuff talks about her as "this wonderful character". Well, let's get something straight from the start. If you watch Juno and don't want to break her jaw every time she opens her mouth, you have no humanity left. Any worthwhile quality you once possessed has been sucked into a black hole and all that is left is a pile of bricks and an appreciation of base snide badly-written wisecracks, half of which don't even make any sense. Juno is a smug smartarse little fucker and what makes her practically unbearable is that writer, former stripper and sex bore, Diablo Cody clearly thinks she has created the most wonderful human being on the planet. Replace 'wonderful' with 'worst' and you're getting warmer.
"If you watch Juno and don't want to break her jaw every time she opens her mouth, you have no humanity left. Any worthwhile quality you once possessed has been sucked into a black hole."
As you no doubt gathered from the Oscars, Juno is about a 16-year-old twat pregnant by a one-off shag from her omega male let's-just-be-friend Paulie Bleeker (Michael Cera), a boy for whom testosterone is the most distant of dreams. Juno is a bookish boho type who reacts much as an annoying teenager might. But this is where the car-crash writing goes into overdrive. In a 30 second dialogue exchange with her fuckawful friend Leah we get the following phrases:
"'I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.' I'm forshizz gonna cut your fucking heart out if you ever use that phrase again."
"Yo Yo Yiggady Yo." Oh, fuck you.
"What? Honest to blog?" Die slow you incandescent cockmuncher.
"I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout." I'm forshizz gonna cut your fucking heart out if you ever use that phrase again.
"Oh shit! Phuket, Thailand! " Phuket? No, PHUK YOU Cody you unspeakable sow. We speak English in this country, you vile, vile pig.
So, like, Juno? Sooooo having an abortion? But then totally decides not to. Because, like, duh, childless couples need babies so... Childless couples like Mark and Vanessa Loring (Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner), who Juno and father Mac visit to sign an adoption deal. The scene is another too-good-to-miss opportunity for Juno to be a shithead "No! I mean, can't we just, like, kick this old school? Like, I have the baby, put it in a basket and send it your way, like, Moses and the reeds?" Didn't anybody read this fucking script before they started filming?
"So, like, Juno? Sooooo having an abortion. But then totally decides not to? Because, like, duh, childless couples need babies so..."
Juno's father, incidentally, is played by J.K. Simmons. I don't care how many cuddly salt of the earth fathers he plays, he'll always be Vern Schillinger, Nazi rapist murderer from Oz to Aerial Telly and, I suspect, most of the viewing public.
There is also a eye-poppingly awful scene, which I've seen morons describe approvingly, when Juno goes for an ultrasound scan with her stepmother Bren. As I'm sure happens all the time, the ultrasound technician start babbling on about children being raised in "poisonous environments". This totally shoehorned in outburst allows previously uncool stepmom to reveal some layers and say...
"They have the nerve to call this film anti-abortion? Juno MacGuff is the best argument for compulsory abortion I can think of."
"Oh, you think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don't you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade" just so Juno-I'm The-Biggest-Cunt-in-Movie-History? can exclaim "Bren! You's a dick! I love it!". And they have the nerve to call this film anti-abortion? Juno MacGuff is the best argument for compulsory abortion I can think of.
Cody said about writing the film, "Women are clever, women are funny, women are sharp, and I wanted to show that these girls were human and not the stereotypical teenage girls that we often see in the media"
"Let's get a few things straight shall we, Cunty? Veronica Mars is a clever funny woman. Buffy Summers is a clever funny woman. Mary Louise Parker, Tina Fey, Sharon Horgan are all clever funny women. Juno MacGuff is a virus."
Interestingly, after that horrendous first 45 minutes it's a pretty decent film. But it's all too late. Some other shit happens which I really can't be fucked telling you about as reminiscing on the annoying parts of this film has cocked me off so much I can barely think.
The best thing about it: The second half.
The worst thing about it: Diablo Cody has the same approach to life and language as Kathy Lette
