Check Sky One - all la-di-da with their original drama commissions. They've been wanting to muscle in on BBC's territory for some time and their adaptation of Martina Cole's The Take was heralded with an unprecedented advertising campaign: billboards, TV, radio, press, sandwich boards - they wanted everyone to see what they can do with a load of balls and a snooker cue. And what they did was a pretty decent drama with some good, if overwrought, performances from an impressive cast. In doing so they exceeded the inevitably low expectations we have of them. Martina Cole's The Take

AA Gill is a beast

The second best priest

A year ago when Aerial Telly gave his definitive breakdown of the significant television critics, the Times critic AA Gill only got a passing mention. He had only read a handful of reviews at this stage and was unfamiliar with much of his work. But being the voracious reader he is has afforded him the opportunity to catch up with Gill's work and he is now quite happy to say the following: AA Gill is a beast of television criticism and the majority of fools masquerading as chroniclers of the vision that is tele are not fit to fondle his remote. AA Gill is a beast

Noirin is a shallow cruel cretinous Plain Jane jackeen fucknut with a 4000lb mole on her fat arse

Big Brother 2009: Noirin Kelly is a shallow cruel cretinous Plain Jane jackeen fucknut with a 4000lb mole on her fat arse

Channel 4

Aerial Telly retains equanimity under practically every circumstance. His will - perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure - sees to it that very little bothers him. Nonetheless, today he is SEETHING and he has one or two things he'd like to say about it. Just hours after he makes a devastating, unimpeachable, airtight case for Angel McKenzie as the 2009 Big Brother champion the house of fucknuts contrives to put her up for eviction with the current favourite that fucking cunt Freddie. The girl stands no chance and will be exiting Casa Fucknut on Friday to a banal interview with Davina and a panel of two abysmals. There were many Judases during the live nomination procedure but one houseHATE in particular combined the deviant treachery of Benedict Arnold, Lord Haw-Haw, Mo Johnston, Kim Philby and Tony Almeida. Noirin Kelly, you just fucked with the wrong Russian. Noirin Kelly is a shallow cruel cretinous Plain Jane

Big Brother 2009: I'm loving Angel instead

Channel 4

Angel McKenzie made an impressively strange entrance into the Big Brother 2009 house to the boos of the Elstree hate mob and Aerial Telly, who sees all time in an instant, is not swayed by ephemera and can predict the movement of the primal herd with devastating accuracy, swiftly backed her at 40-1. He was beguiled by this tiny Russian boxer. She was different. She had lived, she had suffered, and unlike 90% of housemates she had picked up a fucking book in her life. She was classier than the others though this wasn't difficult. But the most interesting thing about Angel was all the people she looked like. Big Brother 2009: I'm loving Angel instead

Personal Affairs

BBC3

I often wonder if guerrilla script editors hijack scripts like these, inserting cunt dialogue to sabotage their success. How else would you explain in an otherwise promising opener lines like "I am so up shit's creek without a hobnob!" and "Ian's still in his chateaux in fleur-de-la ponce!" and then "I'm worried about Grace. Am I being paranormal?" I don't know if it started with Shirley Valentine with its "marriage is like the Middle East - there's no solution!" bollocks but cunt dialogue is everywhere these days. Its aim is to be thought of as "eminently quotable!" in that eminently unquotable Kathy Lette/Diablo Cody/Sex and the City style. "Wassamatta boys?? Can't handle a bunch of independent ladies who tell the troof 'bout MEN??" Yes, that must be it. Nothing at all to do with you being the distilled essence of nause. Personal Affairs

True Blood Season 2 Premiere

HBO

Lafayette lives, like Jesus or music hall in the mind of Garry Bushell. It wasn't him in the car in the season one cliffhanger murdered to death - it was Miss Jeanette with her heart torn out. That's good because no one gives a fuck about that bullshitting fraud apart from Tara's mom and no one gives a fuck about that pisshead child abuser so hooray for Chelmsley Wood. And hooray for Lafayette who is as gay and black as ever though possibly not quite as chipper, chained like Kunte Kinte in the cellar of vamp hangout Fangtasia, along with some other chodes who seem to have reet pissed off the Pale Ones. It was the dealing V that did it - the children of the night don't like being harvested. And Sookie? Sookie is Sookie - feisty, innocent, slutting around Bon Temps in that tight T-shirt like some refugee from Hooters. Committed forever to walk unafraid, perky as fuck, stating the frigging obvious in every situation, resolute in the hope no one brings up that she's into fucking dead guys. True Blood Season 2 Premiere

Weeds Season 5 Premiere

Showtime

I had almost forgotten about Weeds. It seemed to be gone forever. I am so glad to have Andy, Shane, Silas, Celia and Doug back. But most of all Nancy. Beautiful, amoral, sexy, spanky Nancy. Mom gone bad, adrenaline junkie, drug trafficking Nancy. TV was not the same without you, sweetpea - you wouldn't believe the gimps they've had in your place. You're an impossible slutbag but we like having you around. You always come through. Even at the end of season four when Esteban, your Mexican mayor/gangster boyfriend, is about to kill you for snitching on the cartel you pull out your trump card - the ultrasound scan of the baby you are carrying. It feels like a boy you tell him. May your first child be a masculine child, Don Corleone. It's enough to save your life -- for now. But ask yourself: is it really worth saving? Weeds Season 5 Premiere

I know why the aged bird mings

Aerial Telly on the hypocrisy and dishonesty of men who claim to find 60-year-old women attractive and the naivety of the women who believe them.

Aerial Telly will begin the lesson by stating without equivocation that the worship of youth is a foul thing - despairing, corrosive and idiotic to the seventh degree. One of the reasons he sees more fresh pum-pum than Lee "Scratch" Perry in the video below is precisely because he HAS been around the block a few times. The young pie looks up at the tall, handsome, honed, experienced, snake-hipped beast in front of her and almost has a stroke as every single attraction switch in her body is flipped on squirting a heady hormonal cocktail into her bloodstream giving her the kind of rush usually associated with simultaneous ingestion of angel dust, crystal meth, cocaine and cough syrup. Here is a man who has all the reassuring qualities of daddy - the wisdom, self-confidence, worldly air, chivalry with all the bad boy hipness, danger, intelligence, edge and wit of the rockstar whose poster she frigs herself senseless to every night. So please don't misunderstand him or mistrust his motives when he says the following: there is no such thing as a sexually attractive 60-year-old woman. I know why the aged bird mings

The hard sell: Volvic 14-Day Challenge

The Guardian

Particularly dumb Volvic advert doing the rounds at the moment where a chode is set the challenge of drinking water for two weeks. Bottled water has always been a particularly brazen racket but even by their standards they are bringing the mong with considerable force here. The hard sell: Volvic 14-Day Challenge

For God's sake, mind your language

The Guardian

Deranged property programme person Kirstie Allsopp recently "tweeted" about being forced to retake after she had uttered some kind of godless oath. This seemed strange to Aerial Telly and he was happy to say why.. For God's sake, mind your language

jPod - another cancelled cult show

The Guardian

jPod was a big favourite of Aerial Telly's last year -- he thought it highly regrettable that was cancelled and with it being brought to Virgin OnDemand this week he was asked to write a little something about it. jPod - another cancelled cult show

Big Brother 2009 launch night

Channel 4

Jesus. Am I really expected to comment on these 16 abysmals? They're not even housemates - not yet, at least. Because this year they have to earn the right to become a fully fledged Big Brother housemates. Someday, you'll be a real boy Pinocchio. Then you can stop causing a forest fire every time you have a wank. Big Brother has been trying Aerial Telly's patience for some time now and it feels like it's time to be doing something else with our summers. But for now, we're stuck with it clogging up our schedules and news bulletins with its manufactured controversy, social comment and occasionally intriguing personality clashes. Shall we take a look at the inhabitants of this year's turd aviary? Big Brother 2009 launch night

David Haye sprains vagina after reading Aerial Telly's verdict and runs away from the fight so fast Road Runner music plays

It was oh so predictable.

Sometimes Aerial Telly should just can it. Yeah, you heard right. Shut his damn mouth, hold his own counsel, tighten his muzzle, hold his tongue, silence his mush, button it, dummy up, cease the chatter, hush his trap, press the mute button, make like Helen Keller, keep it on the down low, plead the fifth. He should know by now. He should have taken on board the power of his words. He should have known that his forceful picking of Wladimir Klitschko over David "Hayefaker" Haye had the potential to cause the abandonment of the fight by turning a supremely confident challenger into a lead swinging, panic attack suffering, long-distance sprinter with irritable bowel syndrome. The fact is, he did know but once again his compassion got the better of him. David Haye sprains vagina after reading Aerial Telly's verdict

Britain's Got Talent Final

ITV

Is there a more worthless turd actively operating than Amanda Holden? She grates more than Dannii Minogue who is the Fellini of nause. Piers Morgan is a turd too, Helen Keller can see that, but he did have enough about him to edit a national newspaper at 39 even if he did make a bunch of stuff up, publish phoney photos of soldiers pissing on PoWs, issue begrudging non-apologies, get shitcanned, then spend years repeating the same documentary about how fame is just an end in itself these days and isn't that awful? Holden looks good in her underwear in a vapid thousand yard porn stare kind of way and looked handsome and demure on the Britain's Got Talent Final show but it really isn't good enough. I know there has got to be a voice of the "people" att-a-boy judge but she knows nothing about anything. Her cluelessness cannot be fathomed. It is as dark and noxious as her insincerity. Britain's Got Talent Final

Breaking Bad Season 2 finale

AMC

There's no such thing as a victimless crime, apart from incest (and even then I'm all “won’t someone think of the children?") Every action has consequences. Taking this on board is the only chance we have to live morally, act responsibly and write truthfully. In seven seasons, The Shield never let the Strike Team off the hook; The Wire showed the actions of the street, the police and City Hall were intricately linked, like some multilevel clockwork diorama. Nothing we do takes place in a vacuum. Everyone must pay. Breaking Bad's second season has continued to demonstrate this unflinchingly and that's why after the demise of the Shield, The Wire and Battlestar Galactica it's the best show currently broadcasting. Breaking Bad Season 2 finale

A new Buffy movie? There's too much at stake

The Guardian

It was reported this week that Fran Rubel Kuzui, a notorious turd, was planning to throw herself into a film purporting to be Buffy the Vampire Slayer related. Aerial Telly takes such liberties very seriously and was immediately on the horn to give his thoughts on the despicable plot. A new Buffy movie? There's too much at stake

Hard Sell: Change for Life

The Guardian

(This Hard Sell was commissioned by the Guardian Guide a while back but was not published as the advert had already been "dealt with" by another "writer". The magazine, fearing vicious retribution immediately paid up and apologised, hoping to avoid scenes like those when the Bonekickers review hit the shelves. Aerial Telly forgives the Guardian for their folly and reproduces the piece which is now a collector's item)

At an undisclosed location in a office bathed in puke-coloured light from a 60 watt bulb dangling precariously from the ceiling, cloven hoofed Quango illuminati debate government health policy as they flog illegal Polish immigrants tried to radiators. Hard Sell: Change for Life

A David Haye win would be great for boxing. Looks like boxing is shit out of luck because Wladimir Klitschko is going to extend his arsehole up to his cranium then defecate in his fucking mouth like he was a Chechen rebel

1.53 should do it

Heavyweights suck at the moment and have done for some time. Alphabet soup titles, obese Nigerians, slobby Ukrainians, brain-damaged Americans and a 7 foot 2 Frankenstein's monster with a spinner wife. Honky reigns supreme right now as talented African-American athletes go into the more lucrative (and considerably safer) NFL and NBA leaving the heavyweight division at the mercy of marauding giants from the former Soviet Union. So where there used to be brothers there are now brothers, Vitali and Wladimir Klitschko, the best two heavyweights in the world. They have vowed not to fight each other as they think that it is, well, just not them. But here comes a handsome, talented, power punching, shit talking, media friendly challenger from the cruiserweight division: Bermondsey's David "Hayemaker" Haye. Could he be the division's Messiah? Can a brother get a what-what? A David Haye win would be great for boxing