It's hardly "news" that Aerial Telly is the greatest boxing handicapper that ever placed a bet. In fact, it's about as much "news" as it is that he made your girl come so hard she knocked out street lamps several postcodes away and needed past-life regression therapy to get him out of her head. Similarly, it's hardly "news" that Aerial Telly is the greatest television writer that ever picked up a pen and that all the fish barrel shooting Twitter groupie slime masquerading as TV critics shart their pants and run squealing to their editurds for three-year sabbaticals whenever they hear his name. Nor, by any reasonable definition of the word, can it be called "news" that Aerial Telly handles himself with a hell of a lot of class under unbelievable pressure and that everyone in the "media" could learn a thing or two from him. So what is "news" you ask?

"Unlike James DeGale who spends most of his verbal tirades stammering like Colin Firth in The King's Speech and drooling like the special needs retard the increasingly resembles, David Haye consistently delivers in this department."

A couple of things. Firstly, if you ever ask Aerial Telly a question like that again he will tear your urethra right out of your cock, wrap it round your neck and hang you from the nearest set of traffic lights. Secondly, what is "news" my semiliterate, no account, damaged-by-life friends¹ is that the stars aligned in Hamburg last night to once again to fulfil one of Aerial Telly 's stunning boxing prophecies and prove once and for all that David "Hayefaker" Haye is the biggest fraud currently operating in the sport of boxing.

David Haye certainly talked the talk. There's an art to shit talking in boxing and he's got it to a tee: intelligent, funny and nasty. Unlike Lames DeFail who spends most of his verbal tirades stammering like Colin Firth in The King's Speech and drooling like the special needs bully he increasingly resembles, David Haye consistently delivers in this department.

"Haye ran around the ring throwing feints and launching his patented Hayemaker bombs from long distance, punches telegraphed so far in advance some of them predated language."

Yet when it came to back it all up with actual prizefighting he did the exact opposite and ran around the ring throwing feints and launching only occasionally his patented Hayemaker bombs from long distance, punches telegraphed so far in advance some of them actually predated language. While Klitschko did all the pressing and at least tried to engage, David Haye stuck to his plan to land one big shot to win the fight - a safety first strategy designed primarily to guard against being KO'd by Wlad.

How ironic that the man so critical of Klitschko's opponents for not coming to win turned out to be the least willing of them all to give himself a serious chance of victory. When he finally decided to open up and take risks in the 12th round he landed good shots on Klitschko and likely won the round. If he had fought like that from the off then we would have had a much more interesting fight with a much bigger chance of one of the fighters being knocked out. Instead Haye guaranteed tedium and his own demise. He deserves every bit of shit he's taking this morning and you wouldn't want to get me started on the "stubbed toe" excuse.

"The one good thing he did last night was fight so pisspoor he quietened his nausey thuggish football supporter fans, a group of men who know so little about boxing they could write for the Daily Mail on the subject."

The one good thing he did last night was fight so pisspoor he quietened his nausey thuggish football supporter fans, a group of men who know so little about boxing they could write for the Daily Mail on the subject. Throwing beer, bottles and batteries at the Klitschko camp then booing the Ukrainian national anthem was their contribution to the night. Filthy skunks.

So that is the "news". What remains the same is the heavyweight division still sucks, that David Haye has still backed up nothing and that playing with Aerial Telly gets you nothing but an unwanted fraenulum piercing, a ruptured scrotum and a face beaten beyond recognition as if anybody was interested in "recognising" your bag of shit face in the first place.

Peace.

¹Fuck you. You are not Aerial Telly's "friends".

Imagined: Sunday, 3 July 2011

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