It was a while back that Aerial Telly informed you "people" that there's nothing more terrifying than a teenage girl. Slowly but surely, everybody seems to be coming round to this profound truth. It's that potent cocktail of hormonal instability and icy vindictiveness that makes the girl-woman such a powerful nightmare. Of course, if you're the kind of guy who fucks underage girls then this holds no fear for you. Rather like Steve Irwin, you make it your business to seek out your obsession and find out everything about it. Where others recoil from temper tantrums, training bras and yoof subculture, you embrace them. You find their weak spots, their quirks and vulnerabilities. You study and study until you know them better than they know themselves. And while Steve Irwin came to a sticky end that was a one-in-a-million freak incident and you're far too smart to get caught out like that. Or at least, you'd hope so.

"It's that potent cocktail of hormonal instability and icy vindictiveness that makes the girl-woman such a powerful nightmare."

Hard Candy starts with the by now classic dirty old man picks up teen nymphet off the internet scenario. Jeff Kohlver (Patrick Wilson), early-Thirties, is a seasoned groomer of young girls. Handsome and urbane, he uses his photography credentials to get them back to his house for tasteful photo sessions and vodkas. He's smooth, this guy. Hayley Stark (Ellen Page), his mark, is the kind of intense, intelligent, slightly insecure 14 year-old just about to go through her Sylvia Plath stage. She professes a love of Zadie Smith and Goldfrapp and desperately wants to appear more sophisticated than she is. This is meat and drink to Jeff who relies on exactly this need to manipulate his subjects into giving up their cherries.

"It seems that Hayley is the walking embodiment of every girl he abused and, in one case, killed. As first date revelations go, it's quite a keeper."

Using the bait of a Goldfrapp live bootleg (told you he was smooth), he lures Hayley back to his crib where she mixes cocktails while he makes with the snapping. It's all going swimmingly. But all of a sudden, Jeff starts feeling unwell - the room starts spinning and before he knows it he's unconscious. He awakes to the revelation that Hayley has slipped him a roofie, tied him to a chair and, worst of all, that she "fucking hate(s) Goldfrapp". Oh I don't know, Felt Mountain wasn't that bad. Don't you just hate those internet critics? It seems that Hayley is not the next mark on his bedpost and is rather closer to the walking embodiment of every girl he abused and, in one case, killed. As first date revelations go, it's quite a keeper.

Keeping his composure at first, Jeff tries to talk his way out and reason with Hayley.

"So she surgically removes his testicles as Jeff watches, helpless. We all have our hilarious date-gone-wrong stories. I think Jeff has us beaten."

"Don't..." he begins

"You can save yourself so much time by just dropping that word from your vocabulary. I'm gonna do what I want Jeff". Wow. This girl means business. She tries to get Jeff to confess to his crimes but he's not budging. So she surgically removes his testicles instead with the help of an ice pack, rubbing alcohol and a medical textbook as Jeff watches, helpless. We all have our hilarious date-gone-wrong stories. I think Jeff has us beaten.

"'Didn't Roman Polanski just win an Oscar?'. Ha! Stick that in your pipe, Academy, you shit sucking scumbags."

There are obvious parallels with Audition and Misery here. Ellen Page absolutely belts this one out of the park with a beautifully composed yet slightly deranged performance. The transformation from blushing ingenue to swivel-eyed maniac takes place in a heartbeat and is utterly convincing. The scripting is sharp and darkly comic. As Jeff desperately tries to persuade Hayley to turn him into the cops saying "It'll ruin my career - ruin my life" she responds "Didn't Roman Polanski just win an Oscar?". Ha! Stick that in your pipe, Academy, you shit sucking scumbags.

Hard Candy has been criticised for encouraging us to identify with the paedophile - a line that should never be crossed (unless you're a T-Bag fan grrrl of course in which case it's totally socially acceptable). I really didn't get this from the film. I was as big a cheerleader for Hayley as is possible. I was right behind that crazy nutcracker. As far as I'm concerned, it's cinematically and morally justified for her to torture him to death. And, more importantly, it's very funny. Why do we presume that because she's doing some icky stuff and may just possibly be insane that we instantly start identifying with the child rapist? Sure, she'll make your legs cross and eyes water but this is a horror movie if you recall.

"I pray that she returns soon with her next target those people in front of you in the post office queue who deposit their life savings in pennies."

Implausibly resourceful and wise beyond her years, Hayley is a very modern superhero. She's our very own vengeful angel of death, she's Dirty Harriet, she's Buffy the Nonce Slayer. I pray that she returns soon with, as her next target, those people in front of you in the post office queue who deposit their life savings in pennies. Make it so, kid.

The best thing about it: Ellen Page. Damn, this girl's good.

The worst thing about it: Testicle snipping doesn't get any easier to watch just because the subject deserves it.

The verdict on Hard Candy: "Candy went and blew my mind today...."

Marks out of 10: 8

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