British TV reviews and so much more. I've really just about had it with all you scumbags. Aerial Telly forever - worthless Twitter groupie slime never.
"a depressing but brilliant read.... a superbly written manifesto for nothing." Daniel Hart
Hannah Bradbeer - wide forehead having X Factor goddess butchered before her time like an innocent lamb by convicted violent criminal Cheryl Cole
We're only here for the 'beer
Aerial Telly knows how the X Factor song is sung. He knows how the pie is sprung and how the good die young. He knows talent when he sees it and he recognizes in others that one-in-a-million charisma that he possesses and he says this: Hannah Bradbeer not making the final cut of X Factor due to violent criminal Cheryl Cole's stupidity is the worst decision in the history of mankind. Just what the hell is it with these "people"?
"Her poise said 'No, I don't really know how to apply makeup. The cosmetics advice given to me by my female friends lacks credibility' and her attitude said 'No, I probably shouldn't be wearing this outfit but FUCK YOU lady'"
The moment Hannah walked into the audition you knew you were in the presence of greatness. Her walk said "Yes, I have a gigantic forehead. Bitch, what?" her poise said " No, I don't really know how to apply makeup. The cosmetics advice given to me by my female friends lacks credibility" and her attitude said "No, I probably shouldn't be wearing this outfit but FUCK YOU lady - I'm hot in my own way and that's all that counts"
Quirkily charming, assertive yet pliable, Hannah spoke to the judges as an equal even though she was clearly their superior. And when she opened her mouth to sing it was like listening to a young Aretha Franklin sing gospel for the first time. Fingers clicking, forehead glistening in the harsh studio lights, her rendition of Duffy's Mercy was masterful. She is a MAGNIFICENT BEAST of a performer.
"Aerial Telly knows exactly what to do to make those weird geometrical shapes come together and sing a song of pure pie."
When it comes to fashion, Hannah has her own unique style. Some call it ungainly. Aerial Telly calls it Unconventional Floozy or perhaps Disarming Slut. It's trying to be sexy without ever really making it. Which makes it incredibly sexy. Aerial Telly will simply say this: if he were dressing her she would be a stone cold 9 out of 10. He knows exactly what to do to make those weird geometrical shapes come together and sing a song of pure pie. Trust.
No bigger indictment of the corruption and stupidity of reality television exists. A convicted violent criminal crushing the dreams of someone infinitely more talented than herself with some half-assed "I feel like there's a wall between you and the world" Trisha psychoanalysis bollocks. Oh do you Cheryl? Yeah well I think there's a wall between you and your "husband". You know the one I'm talking about.
"You industry scumbags better listen up. Because if Hannah Bradbeer isn't a star by this time next year Aerial Telly will be holding you responsible individually and collectively"
Aerial Telly isn't having it. He can barely be bothered to watch the rest of the X Factor with Biffa Bacon and her squadron of replicant pop sluts. The 'beer appeared on This Morning this week replete with forehead covering fringe, engagingly offkilter couture and a plea to be taken into the world of performing arts. You industry scumbags better listen up. Because if Hannah Bradbeer isn't a star by this time next year Aerial Telly will be holding you responsible individually and collectively. And you do not want to get into it with him.
