Ellen MacArthur coverage
BBC1, ITV, Sky,
Fantasy Channel
In a nutshell: Circumnavigation elation - it's spreading across the nation
The 411: So, is Ellen MacArthur a bigger turd than Steve Redgrave?
It's the question everyone's asking. Aerial Telly votes No.
While she is undoubtedly an incredible turd with no friends or social skills no-one truly matches Redgrave for competing in pointless fucknut sports only three other people worldwide take part in and generally being an annoying, charmless piece of shit.
He truly is our finest turd.
"While she is undoubtedly an incredible turd with no friends or social skills no-one truly matches Redgrave..."
"But Redgrave is an incredible athlete!" Say the freaks. "He can row for, like, ages!"
If this sorry episode and the rise of the sporting turds in general teaches us anything it is simply this: sport is theatre, not physiology.
It's about McEnroe v Lendl, Eubank v Benn, Ferguson v Mourinho. I don't give a flying fig pudding if Redgrave has eight litre lung capacity and breathes through his ears. Sports like football and boxing have depth and are multi-dimensional. Rowing is one-dimensional - row in a straight line - that's it. And the vast majority of the world's population will never participate. Because it's shite.
But the vast majority of the world's population will have kicked a football. That's why Maradona is a God and Redgrave is a turd - a turd who serves no social function. Who should be boiled down for glue. It's the only solution.
When the BBC News has been extended you immediately try and second guess the reason: terrorist spectacular, Cabinet assassination, Tiffany returning to EastEnders. You know, big stuff.
So when you discover that the item is a story that would usually struggle to make it to the "and finally..." section you're entitled to ask why. You're entitled to ask "what the fuck?", in fact.
With regard to her "incredible achievement", what proof is there that she actually did this? Not anybody worth a dime cares either way, but for all we know, she could have been frigging her clit in the south of France for the past two months.
"for all we know, she could have been frigging her clit in the south of France for the past two months..."
She then hops on a schooner with two hours to go and breaks out the champagne.
It's not like anyone was keeping tabs on her - apart from some tragic sailing geek on his CB radio - her spinning some yarn about getting cracked on the head. And it's hey, ho, away we go.
But now exciting news reaches me that the Palace has given our Ellen the ultimate accolade and that she is now Dame Turd of Turdsvidge. I couldn't be more thrilled.
Hats off to Ellen for once again making Britain: A Place Fit For Turds.
The best thing about it: when she got hit over the head
The worst thing about it: when she survived
The verdict on Ellen MacArthur: When she does it in a Splash Kat I'll be impressed...
Marks out of 10: 3
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