What is that twunk Alan "call me Sir Alan" Sugar playing at on The Apprentice? Not content with getting rid of lovely Sexy Karen (who recently bigged up Aerial Telly in her role as Garboesque forum vixen) he persists with preposterous lunatics like Jo (a woman with all the business sense of Nick Leeson and the calm decision-making mind of Jade Goody in a televised game of 'show us your fanny') and a dangerous fat sow like Ruth Badger.

"I used to work in an office full of Badgers. You couldn't move for Nando's bags and the Daily Express."

Despite pressure from fools to support the local girl I am a confirmed Badger baiter. I used to work in an office full of Badgers. You couldn't move for Nando's bags and the Daily Express. If you ever spend any time around them you quickly realise that office girls are the most right-wing people in the universe. The depths of depravity, bitterness and hatred that these "people" stoop to will really astound you. And they will cut their own mother's throat for even the briefest foothold on the corporate ladder.

"The Amstrad Emailer. Even I know that idea sucks more cock than the cast of Hollyoaks at the Footballer Of The Year afterparty."

Maybe that's what Shitbag wants. Perhaps it's part of his masturb plan - surround yourself with people who owe their careers to you and you'll be guaranteed loyalty. Bill Gates surrounds himself with Harvard, Yale and MIT graduates. Sugar surrounds himself with Smethwick Comp graduates.

And if an interview in The Observer is to be believed he is persisting with the Amstrad Emailer. Even I know that idea sucks more cock than the cast of Hollyoaks at the Footballer Of The Year afterparty.

I bet all the kids at Great Ormond Street wish he'd fuck off, the bog-eyed turd.

As my long-time admirers (of whom there are many) will confirm Aerial Telly is fully committed to guerrilla tactics against the TV networks.

It's a fact acknowledged by all but a few academic cranks that the rise of subscription and satellite TV was predicted in The Book of Revelation (TV love skunk Jamie Theakston is the horned beast that rises from the sea for those that ain't know)

"It's a fact acknowledged by all but a few cranks that the rise of subscription and satellite TV was predicted in The Book of Revelations ."

As such, I be on a downloading tip 24/7. I consume more bandwidth than Castro's funeral website, KathyLetteisacunt.com and US Steel combined and don't care who knows it.

I get albums before they're released, software before it goes retail and some television programmes before they're actually made.

An area I'm looking to violate at the moment is football streams. Sure, I could pay the 30 pieces of silver to suck Satan's cock or in your Earth language 'subscribe to Sky Sports' but frankly I'd rather:

i) Fuck fatty Badger from the Apprentice.

ii) Chew my own leg off.

iii) Acquire a number of programmes and links that allow me to watch the games they be holding me to ransom on in the medium of streaming video.

Well, here we are. These will get you started.

"You CAN make a difference. In your case that's usually by shutting the fuck up."

Yes, some of them are totally unwatchable and buffered to within an inch of their lives but that's half the fun - searching through the chaff for the wheat. And know this: in doing so you are partaking in a genuinely subversive act. The literal theft of copyrighted images and dollars and cents from the pockets of the corporate whores who seek to bleed our national game dry

And you thought it was just because I was too tight to shell out for a subscription package? Kid, you couldn't be more wrong. I'm making mad paper on the poker tables and at the bookmakers. Buying that shit don't mean a thing to me.

Aerial Telly is about subversion. You CAN make a difference. In your case that's usually by shutting the fuck up but just occasionally it's by hitting the man where it hurts.

And that's one of the few authentic vices left.