There's a website called British Glamour Scene Analysis. It analyses the British glamour scene. "There's a British glamour scene, AT?" you ask. A couple of things: firstly, if you ever refer to Aerial Telly by his initials again he will cut your cock off and put it in a blender. Secondly, yes apparently there is. I'm not sure if said scene conforms to the conventions of other scenes - hang outs, events, baffling secret language but it has its own website and that means it exists. Furthermore, it requires analysis. We know this because this website's sole purpose is to analyse it. A sensitive soul called stereoman posts things like

My heart sinks when I see headlines/articles such as 'Amy Green's Sex Secrets!'. Zoo and Nuts can be very cheeky and impertinent (I dare say, disrespectful) when asking personal questions of the models in regards their love/sex lives but 'sex secrets'? Ugh. It's going down murky unpleasant territories as it were.

So there you have it. British Glamour Scene Analysis exists and there is nothing you, I or Bear "room service" Grylls can do about it. I discovered this website while researching BBC3's gameshow Clever v Stupid. I would rather meditate on the strangeness that is British Glamour Scene Analysis because Clever v Stupid is really not very good.

"Matt Richardson, some kind of second trimester foetus, presents the proceedings as if they actually matter. That's his job of course - it's not his fault that this is a sucky show it's just that this really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter in ways I can't count."

The premise is just the wrong side of annoying. The BBC have a stable of boffin egghead intellectuals who will each week compete against a profession not strongly associated with intelligence in a series of intelligence tasks. Matt Richardson, some kind of second trimester foetus, presents the proceedings as if they actually matter. That's his job of course - it's not his fault that this is a sucky show it's just that this really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter in ways I can't count.

"I don't know that everyone thinks glamour models are all stupid. It's just that most women choose not to go down that road."

The opener featured glamour models as the stupid team (British Glamour Scene Analysis were all over this action, naturally). The girls are determined to prove that they're not stoopid like everyone thinks. I don't know that everyone thinks glamour models are all stupid. It's just that most women who have other options open to them to make a bit of cash choose not to go down that road. You're not getting many geniuses is all. I don't think all footballers are stupid but I'm not expecting the Premier League to produce the Nobel Prize winner any time soon y’knowwhumsaying?

It's like Paul Calf said "Everyone's always going on about how thick David Beckham is. But nobody says: Stephen Hawking, shit at football - do they?"

But onward they press. Emotional intelligence is the first test. They have to make a panel of five salt-of-the-earths like them without saying a word. Nonverbal body language will carry the day.

"Now, given what we know about attractiveness and how people respond to it don't you think this is a little unfair and weighted in favour of people whose job it is to look good and against Team Spod?"

Now, given what we know about attractiveness and how people respond to it don't you think this is a little unfair and weighted in favour of people whose job it is to look good and against Team Spod? One girl does the splits and flashes her drawers. I don't see that hurting her chances. Team Tits win. They are just that likeable.

But it's not all about likeability, right? There's a quiz round in which they answer questions about conventional intelligence (this, I should point out, doesn't make a lick of sense. Knowing which pop star has an IQ of 140 means absolutely nothing). One of the questions (I swear) is "what does IQ stand for?". "You're saying b: intelligence quotient" says Matt "what makes you say that?" "That’s what it stands for" responds Kelsey. You can see how he got on the boffin team.

"It isn't sussed enough to be smart and it isn't witty enough to make you laugh. It belly flops loudly and painfully somewhere in the middle."

There are different types of intelligence and their various applications raise some interesting questions. There may even be a half decent game show in exploring them. This isn't it. It isn't sussed enough to be smart and it isn't witty enough to make you laugh. It belly flops loudly and painfully somewhere in the middle of these two and it's pretty clear from the outset that nobody involved gives two fucks about the premise, the show or the viewers

Whoever could give a fuck? Glamour models do better than geeks at squirting cream on a cake while wearing upside-down glasses? Give me a break.

The best thing about it: I got a strange satisfaction when the boffin girl beat the glamour model in the "control the toy racing cars with the power of your mind" task.

The worst thing about it: The unfunny dun dun duuuun music. We are not children.

The verdict on Clever v Stupid: Meaningless turd joust.

Marks out of 10: 5

Imagined: Wednesday, October 14, 2009

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