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"Ah fuck it - the cunt bit me" - a Steve Irwin tribute
Alive: Back To The Andes
Amy Winehouse on Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Amy Winehouse on the Charlotte Church show
Anti-Social Old Buggers
The Apprentice
The Apprentice Series Three Final
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The Apprentice Season 4
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The Armstrongs
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Battlestar Galactica: Sometimes a Great Notion
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Beauty And The Geek
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Bernard Manning From Beyond the Grave
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Big Brother 2005
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Big Brother 2007: Get that chickenhead hoodrat out
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Big Brother 2008 - It's a Wonderful Life (when you're not in it
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Big Brother's Big Mouth
Big Brother, Emily Parr and racism
Big Brother got no gas, Sienna Miller got no ass, Mark Ronson got no class
Big Brother poetry
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Bionic Woman pre-air pilot
Bo! in the USA
Bodies
Bodies series finale
Body Shock: Half Ton Man
Bollocks To Cancer
Bonekickers
The Boys Who Killed Stephen Lawrence
Breaking Bad
Bring Back...Grange Hill
Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
Bully Beatdown
Californication
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Caprica pilot
Castrating Galactica - why Faceman needs to can it
Catherine Tate Christmas Special
CBeebies website
Celebrity Big Brother
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Celebrity Fit Club
Celebrity Love Island
The Charlotte Church Show
China
Christmas television 2006
Christmas TV 2009 - what not to watc
Clever v Stupid
Comic Relief Does The Apprentice
Coming Of Age
Compulsion
The Contender
The Contender Season Two
Criminal Justice
Criminal Justice Season Two
The Cube
Cutting Edge: My Kid's Psychic
Cutting Edge: Pram Face
Damages
The Dark Side Of Porn
The Dark Side Of Porn: Amateur Porn
Dead Ringers
Deadwood
Deadwood - a lament
Deadwood Season 3
Derren Brown: The Heist
Derren Brown's Russian Roulette
Derren Brown - Trick Or Treat
Dexter Season One
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Dispatches: The Big Heist
Doctor Who
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Drive
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Election 2005 coverage
Emily Parr - an apology
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Escape to the Legion
Euro 2008 TV coverage
Everybody Hates Chris
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Extras Christmas special
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Fat Beauty Contest
Feel The Force
Firefly - The Complete Series
Fix My Fat Head
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Floyd Mayweather v Carlos Manuel Baldomir
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Getting On
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Going Cold Turkey
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How Not To Live Your Life
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I'm All Shook Up: Parkinson's at 25
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Michael Carroll: King Of Chavs
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Neighbours 20th anniversary show
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Old Enough To Be His Mother
Oscars 2005
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Peaches Geldof: Teen America
Pete Burns' Cosmetic Surgery Nightmares
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The Pickup Artist Season 2 Premiere
Preston's Walk Out on Never Mind The Buzzcocks
Prison Break
Prison Break 2
Prison Break Season Two: half-term report
Prison Break Season Two Premiere
Prison Break Season Two Finale
Prison Break Season 4 Half Term Report
Pulling |
Celebrity Big Brother 2009
Channel 4
Women don't like women. Unless she carries a card from the Department of Health certifying that she is not a total bitch they will assume she is one until proven otherwise. When watching or betting on Celebrity Big Brother you want to be aware of this. Because it's the dames who do the voting and if you even look like someone who may conceivably one day think about stealing her boyfriend then, man alive, will you ever get punished? Blokes - they can pretty much do as they please as long as they avoid overt sexism which most can manage to do. Particularly as nature's biggest misogynists are all women. Anyway, this year's runners and riders:
"If you even look like someone who may steal her boyfriend then, man alive, will you ever get punished? Blokes can pretty much do as they please as long as they avoid overt sexism which most can manage to do. Particularly as nature's biggest misogynists are all women."
Ben Adams - that's right - the Ben Adams. Ben was a member of boreband A1 and he now likes to produce records for the terminally dull. Stupidly low in the betting, his bland anonymity ensures that he will never ever ever ever ever win this and is just here to make up the numbers and fuck me off. Gigantic shitgibbon.
Tommy Sheridan - Aerial Telly has never encountered a socialist who wasn't a cunt and Tommy Sheridan doesn't look like being the first to buck that trend. Loudmouth blowhard and shouty ideologue, he's George Galloway without the intellectual rigour (and hopefully the fucking cat impressions)
"Manchester's irrepressible link fluffer and world's worst television presenter, Christian is coming across as slightly less punchable than you have every right to expect."
Terry Christian - born literally on the centre circle at Old Trafford, Manchester's irrepressible link fluffer and world's worst television presenter, Christian is coming across as slightly less punchable than you have every right to expect.
Latoya Jackson - batshit crazy in the great tradition of the Jackson clan, Latoya has been in an abusive marriage, posed for Playboy and had plastic surgery that makes her look like Helena Bonham Carter in Planet of the Apes. Said she believed kiddie fiddling allegations against her cunt brother but later revealed she only said that because her abusive husband made her. Well thank god for that. For a moment then I thought Michael Jackson had a thing about kids.
"Ulrika Johnson - husband stealing adulterer, Gladiator humper, Stan Collymore punchbag and rumoured sextape co-star, Sven Goran Eriksson strap-on fucker, covert John Leslie rape accuser, walking paternity test wheel of fortune spinner."
Ulrika Johnson - husband stealing adulterer, Gladiator humper, Stan Collymore punchbag and rumoured sextape co-star, Sven Goran Eriksson strap-on fucker, covert John Leslie rape accuser, walking paternity test wheel of fortune spinner and back-when-I-was-sexually-attractive eye candy weathergirl, Ulrika is a girl who just women just can't seem to warm to. I mean, you couldn't really leave your man with her could you? At 42, she is now playing soccer with her tits as frankly terrifying paparazzi seaside photos recently confirmed. While she is undoubtedly a worthless teed, Aerial Telly thinks there are worse people in the universe. Notably:
"Describes herself as a straight down the line straight talker which is usually code for abusive poisonous cunt who can't keep a civil tongue in her head"
Tina Malone - most famous for playing Mimi Maguire from Shameless, Tina spends much of her time in the house sounding like the Bo Selecta Mel B character, referring gratuitously to her 'arse', 'tits' and 'minge'. Describes herself as a straight down the line straight talker which is usually code for abusive poisonous cunt who can't keep a civil tongue in her head. Common as all get-tae-fuck, this one. Hilariously bonded with Latoya Jackson over abusive relationships. Some alliances you really don't see coming.
"Lucy likes to think of herself as a cut above the rest with her GCSEs and her hoity-toity airs and graces but at the end of the day she is just another scumbag Tory cocksucker who makes millions by whoring her tits out for the underclass to spooge over."
Lucy Pinder - a "glamour model noted for her large, natural breasts" (thanks, Wikipaedoia)
who likes to think of herself as a cut above the rest with her GCSEs and her hoity-toity airs and graces but at the end of the day she is just another scumbag Tory cocksucker who makes millions by whoring her tits out for the underclass to spooge over.
"Mutya Buena - living proof of the maxim that no woman was ever improved by a tattoo. First on her to-do list should be 'grow some fucking eyebrows'"
Mutya Buena - living proof of the maxim that no woman was ever improved by a tattoo, Mutya looks like a heinous fat chav these days but she's still kind of beautiful. First on her to-do list should be "grow some fucking eyebrows". But chill - she's alright. If this girl is not filth in bed, then my name's not Aerial Telly and I'm not the greatest TV critic the world has ever seen.
Coolio - likeable 90s hack rapper straight out of Compton, Coolio has served time for larceny, and spent productive spells as both a crack addict and a firefighter. These are all a good deal more interesting than his one-trick pony recording career which nobody gives a twopenny fuck about.
Michelle Heaton - pretty, Geordie and pointless, Michelle looked a proper twunk during the talent contest task which showed that she really really can't sing. I mean, this is what she does for a living. I'm amazed she hasn't starved. Heaton admitted last year to cheating on husband Andy Scott Lee but she has some way to go to match the cavalier disregard for public declarations of lifelong fidelity that Keeley Hawes shows.
"Heaton admitted last year to cheating on husband Andy Scott Lee that she has some way to go to match the cavalier disregard for public declarations of lifelong fidelity that Keeley Hawes shows."
Verne Troyer - early favourite, default winner and Mini-Me from Austin Powers, Verne seems likeable enough. He went to some lengths recently to stop a sex tape of him and the next girlfriend hitting the Internet. For once, I wish a celebrity all the best with this wish.
I'm quite liking the mix of characters here. It's early days and not quite enough alcohol has been pumped into the house yet to get a proper row going but the majority have at least something intriguing about them. Those betting on the show the mantra remains the same: watch the producers, not the contestants. That way riches lie.
The best thing about it: The inevitable showdown between Tina Malone and (insert trembling unfortunate housemate here)
The worst thing about it: Tina Malone not fully covered at all times.
The verdict on Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Looks like being one of the better ones.
Marks out of 10: 7
Imagined: 6th January 2009

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FILM REVIEWS
28 Weeks Later
2 Days In Paris
American Gangster
Antichrist
Apocalypto
Assault in the Ring
Atonement
The Bank Job
The Bourne Ultimatum
Bruno
Changeling
Clubbed
Control
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Dawn Of The Dead
The Departed
The Descent
Fahrenheit 9/11
Hard Candy
Ils (Them)
In Bruges
Juno
Lars and the Real Girl
Let The Right One In
Lust, Caution
Man on Wire
Notes On A Scandal
Once
Open Water
Pan's Labyrinth
Rocky Balboa
Saw
Super Size Me
Tyson
United 93
WALL-E
When the Levees Broke
The Wrestler
Zodiac
AERIAL TELLY'S GUIDE TO BETTING
200,000 undersexed schlubs have the weekend of their lives after following Aerial Telly's betting advice
Aerial Telly ascends to boxing divinity as a piss drenched Marquez howls like a mortally wounded animal at the stars
Aerial Telly's bookie - rest in peace, loser
Aerial Telly - love and compassion in his heart, cash money in his wallet and your girl on his jock
Aerial Telly pulls boxing from the flames of the 50 storey burning shithouse constructed by Valueless and Haye
Aerial Telly's refusal to take inferior prices on Miguel Cotto means he wins AGAIN
Aerial Telly shows a hell of a lot of class by not celebrating yet another night of betting glory
Aerial Telly wins crushing victory against forces of darkness - bookmaker on suicide watch
All the piss in Mexico City can't stop Juan Manuel Marquez from taking an L from Floyd Mayweather
Amir Khan World Champion before the end of the year? Get the fuck out of here.
Bernard Hopkins v Joe Calzaghe is going the distance
Big Brother betting. Brian at 1.83 - have you freaks lost your minds?
Cotto v Margarito - Aerial Telly's boundless compassion means he can't get a wedge on at the correct price
Emmanuel Dapidran Pacquiao is going to beat Richard John Hatton MBE
Joe Calzaghe is going to beat Mikkel Kessler
Joke Calslappy will murder chicken torturing, child support avoiding, dog murderer Roid Jones
Juan Díaz es el Bebé Bull pero Juan Manuel Marquez es El Matador
Juan Diaz wrestles back title of worst bastard in the history of forever from Turdmain Failur
Juan Manuel Marquez murders Juan Diaz to keep Aerial Telly's phenomenal win streak running
Listen up, fuckwads - Floyd Mayweather to beat Oscar De La Hoya on points at anything over 8/11 is the bet of the year
Manny Pacquiao is this generation's Roberto Duran and Aerial Telly is this generation's Ace Rothstein, Giacomo Casanova and George Orwell combined
Manny Pacquiao, the Mexicutioner, has killed more Mexicans than the maquiladoras
Manny Pacquiao, the Mexicutioner, Harvester of Souls, is the greatest fighter that ever lived
OK shitcake bakers get this: Manny Pacquiao is the greatest fighter that ever lived but Floyd Mayweather beats him
O'Neill at 4.5? Lay that motherfucker with everything you've got
Paulie Malignaggi is the biggest turd in boxing history and Aerial Telly is a first ballot Hall of Famer whose genius for calling the big fights is unparalleled
The robbery that wasn't, why Malignaggi is a massive toid and why Pig Tits slaps Poorly into an early grave
Ricky Fatton CAN beat Floyd Mayweather. But the value is Ugly Boy Floyd at 1.57
Roid Jones jnr? You must be joking, Joke.
Turdmain Failure will show Carl Froch that there is more to boxing than the ability to be punched in the face repeatedly without falling over
Turdmain Failure is the worst bastard in the history of forever
Valuev is such a gigantic turd even chinny blowhard ducker David Haye can flush him
When Ricky Hatton beats Paulie Malignaggi like Aerial Telly readers beat their Johnsons, "people" will wonder why the price was 1.48 just days before the massacre
Yes, Aerial Telly puts his money where his miggedy mouth is
You'd have to be a total kiddy fiddler not to back Ricky Hatton against Jose Luis Castillo when Bet Direct are offering 1.62
TV REVIEWS (cont'd)
Pushing Daisies series premiere...
Richard and Judy
Rome Season One
Saxondale
The Secret Life of A Manic Depressive
The Secret Policemen's Ball
Seduction School: Size Doesn't Matter
Sex Addict
Seymour Butts
Shameless
Shameless Season 4
Shane
The Shield
The Shield - Season Five Finale
The Shield - Season 6
The Shield series finale
Six Feet Under
Skins
Skins Season 2
Smoking Room
Sons of Anarchy
Sons of Anarchy Season 2 Premiere
The Sopranos Season 6
Space Cadets
The Spy Who Stole My Life
State of the TV Nation Address
Stepkids In Love
Studs of Suburbia
Summer Heights High
Supernanny
Surviving Disaster
Take That... for the Record
Talk to me
Ted Bundy - Natural Porn Killer
Terminator - The Sarah Connor Chronicles
The Thick Of It
The Thick of It Series 3
This Life +10
This World: Kidnap Cops
True Stories - The Trials Of Amanda Knox
Too Ugly For Love
True Blood
True Blood Season 2 Final
TV's Naughtiest Blunders
Unanimous
Underbelly
Veronica Mars
Veronica Mars Season Three Half-term Report
Veronica Mars Season Two
Veronica Mars Season Three Premiere
Veronica Mars Season Three finale
A Very Social Secretary
Weeds
Weeds Season 3
Weeds Season 4
Weeds Season 5 Finale
Weeds Season 5 Premiere
When Fearne Met Peaches
When Lineker Met Maradona
Wimbledon coverage
The Wire Season 3
The Wire, Season 4
The Wire Season 5 Premiere
The Wire Series Finale
World Cup coverage
World's Deadliest Gangs
X Factor 2005
X-Factor 2007
X-Factor 2008
X-Factor 2009
MISC REVIEWS
40 Pupils Suspended For Bullying
606 with Danny Baker
Amazon Review Scum
Blowjob monologues and the like
Everything is retro, funky and kitsch on eBay nowadays
Floyd Mayweather v Carlos Manuel Baldomir
An Illustrated History of Dis
Fooled By Randomness
Hip-hop
Indie kids - munching on cock all day, every day, from now until forever
Listen up, douchebags: Larry Merchant KO1 murdering rapist hype merchant scum that constitute boxing's deal-making fight-avoiding turd elite
Morales v Barrera III
Music Sounds Better With You(tube)
NME cool list
Playlouder Reviews
Roid Jones jnr? You must be joking, Joke
Stan Collymore
The Streets
Vertigolf
War Winehouse!
We Expose Palace Security As A Bag Of Shite
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