Women don't like women. Unless she carries a card from the Department of Health certifying that she is not a total bitch they will assume she is one until proven otherwise. When watching or betting on Celebrity Big Brother you want to be aware of this. Because it's the dames who do the voting and if you even look like someone who may conceivably one day think about stealing her boyfriend then, man alive, will you ever get punished? Blokes - they can pretty much do as they please as long as they avoid overt sexism which most can manage to do. Particularly as nature's biggest misogynists are all women. Anyway, this year's runners and riders:

"If you even look like someone who may steal her boyfriend then, man alive, will you ever get punished? Blokes can pretty much do as they please as long as they avoid overt sexism which most can manage to do. Particularly as nature's biggest misogynists are all women."

Ben Adams - that's right - the Ben Adams. Ben was a member of boreband A1 and he now likes to produce records for the terminally dull. Stupidly low in the betting, his bland anonymity ensures that he will never ever ever ever ever win this and is just here to make up the numbers and fuck me off. Gigantic shitgibbon.

Tommy Sheridan - Aerial Telly has never encountered a socialist who wasn't a cunt and Tommy Sheridan doesn't look like being the first to buck that trend. Loudmouth blowhard and shouty ideologue, he's George Galloway without the intellectual rigour (and hopefully the fucking cat impressions)

"Manchester's irrepressible link fluffer and world's worst television presenter, Christian is coming across as slightly less punchable than you have every right to expect."

Terry Christian - born literally on the centre circle at Old Trafford, Manchester's irrepressible link fluffer and world's worst television presenter, Christian is coming across as slightly less punchable than you have every right to expect.

Latoya Jackson - batshit crazy in the great tradition of the Jackson clan, Latoya has been in an abusive marriage, posed for Playboy and had plastic surgery that makes her look like Helena Bonham Carter in Planet of the Apes. Said she believed kiddie fiddling allegations against her cunt brother but later revealed she only said that because her abusive husband made her. Well thank god for that. For a moment then I thought Michael Jackson had a thing about kids.

"Ulrika Johnson - husband stealing adulterer, Gladiator humper, Stan Collymore punchbag and rumoured sextape co-star, Sven Goran Eriksson strap-on fucker, covert John Leslie rape accuser, walking paternity test wheel of fortune spinner."

Ulrika Johnson - husband stealing adulterer, Gladiator humper, Stan Collymore punchbag and rumoured sextape co-star, Sven Goran Eriksson strap-on fucker, covert John Leslie rape accuser, walking paternity test wheel of fortune spinner and back-when-I-was-sexually-attractive eye candy weathergirl, Ulrika is a girl who just women just can't seem to warm to. I mean, you couldn't really leave your man with her could you? At 42, she is now playing soccer with her tits as frankly terrifying paparazzi seaside photos recently confirmed. While she is undoubtedly a worthless teed, Aerial Telly thinks there are worse people in the universe. Notably:

"Describes herself as a straight down the line straight talker which is usually code for abusive poisonous cunt who can't keep a civil tongue in her head"

Tina Malone - most famous for playing Mimi Maguire from Shameless, Tina spends much of her time in the house sounding like the Bo Selecta Mel B character, referring gratuitously to her 'arse', 'tits' and 'minge'. Describes herself as a straight down the line straight talker which is usually code for abusive poisonous cunt who can't keep a civil tongue in her head. Common as all get-tae-fuck, this one. Hilariously bonded with Latoya Jackson over abusive relationships. Some alliances you really don't see coming.

"Lucy likes to think of herself as a cut above the rest with her GCSEs and her hoity-toity airs and graces but at the end of the day she is just another scumbag Tory cocksucker who makes millions by whoring her tits out for the underclass to spooge over."

Lucy Pinder - a "glamour model noted for her large, natural breasts" (thanks, Wikipaedoia) who likes to think of herself as a cut above the rest with her GCSEs and her hoity-toity airs and graces but at the end of the day she is just another scumbag Tory cocksucker who makes millions by whoring her tits out for the underclass to spooge over.

"Mutya Buena - living proof of the maxim that no woman was ever improved by a tattoo. First on her to-do list should be 'grow some fucking eyebrows'"

Mutya Buena - living proof of the maxim that no woman was ever improved by a tattoo, Mutya looks like a heinous fat chav these days but she's still kind of beautiful. First on her to-do list should be "grow some fucking eyebrows". But chill - she's alright. If this girl is not filth in bed, then my name's not Aerial Telly and I'm not the greatest TV critic the world has ever seen.

Coolio - likeable 90s hack rapper straight out of Compton, Coolio has served time for larceny, and spent productive spells as both a crack addict and a firefighter. These are all a good deal more interesting than his one-trick pony recording career which nobody gives a twopenny fuck about.

Michelle Heaton - pretty, Geordie and pointless, Michelle looked a proper twunk during the talent contest task which showed that she really really can't sing. I mean, this is what she does for a living. I'm amazed she hasn't starved. Heaton admitted last year to cheating on husband Andy Scott Lee but she has some way to go to match the cavalier disregard for public declarations of lifelong fidelity that Keeley Hawes shows.

"Heaton admitted last year to cheating on husband Andy Scott Lee that she has some way to go to match the cavalier disregard for public declarations of lifelong fidelity that Keeley Hawes shows."

Verne Troyer - early favourite, default winner and Mini-Me from Austin Powers, Verne seems likeable enough. He went to some lengths recently to stop a sex tape of him and the next girlfriend hitting the Internet. For once, I wish a celebrity all the best with this wish.

I'm quite liking the mix of characters here. It's early days and not quite enough alcohol has been pumped into the house yet to get a proper row going but the majority have at least something intriguing about them. Those betting on the show the mantra remains the same: watch the producers, not the contestants. That way riches lie.

The best thing about it: The inevitable showdown between Tina Malone and (insert trembling unfortunate housemate here)

The worst thing about it: Tina Malone not fully covered at all times.

The verdict on Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Looks like being one of the better ones.

Marks out of 10: 7

Imagined: 6th January 2009

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