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REVIEWS

A-B

7 Days on the Breadline

9/11 Faker

10 Years Younger

24: Season 4

24: Season 5

24 Season 5 finale

24: Season 6

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24 Season 8

24 Season 8 Mid-Season Report

24 series finale

30 Rock

Aerial Telly Awards 2005

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Aerial Telly search queries

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Aerial Comment

"Ah fuck it - the cunt bit me" - a Steve Irwin tribute

Alive: Back To The Andes

Amy Winehouse on Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Amy Winehouse on the Charlotte Church show

Anti-Social Old Buggers

The Apprentice

The Apprentice Series Three Final

The Apprentice Series 3 half-term report

The Apprentice Season 4

The Apprentice Series 4 Finale

The Armstrongs

Arrested Development

Ashes to Ashes

Battlestar Galactica Season 3

Battlestar Galactica Season 3 finale

Battlestar Galactica Season 4

Battlestar Galactica Season 4 mid-season finale

Battlestar Galactica Series finale

Battlestar Galactica: Sometimes a Great Notion

Battlestar Galactica - The Plan

Beauty And The Geek

Being Human

Being... N-Dubz

Bernard Manning From Beyond the Grave

Bernard Matthews Golden Moments

Big Brother 2005

Big Brother 2006 Launch Night

Big Brother 2007

Big Brother 2007: Get that chickenhead hoodrat out

Big Brother 2008

Big Brother 2008 - It's a Wonderful Life (when you're not in it

Big Brother 2008 - Mario must die

Big Brother 2008: Stuart tapped the compassion vending machine and it toppled over and fell on top of him

Big Brother 2010 final

Big Brother's Big Mouth

Big Brother, Emily Parr and racism

Big Brother got no gas, Sienna Miller got no ass, Mark Ronson got no class

Big Brother poetry

Big Brother, Shilpa Shetty and racism

Bionic Woman pre-air pilot

Bo! in the USA

Bodies

Bodies series finale

Body Shock: Half Ton Man

Bollocks To Cancer

Bonekickers

The Boys Who Killed Stephen Lawrence

Breaking Bad

Breaking Bad Season 2 finale

Breaking Bad Season 3

Bring Back...Grange Hill

Britain's Got Talent Series 4

Britney and Kevin: Chaotic

Bruce Forsyth - A Comedy Roast

Bully Beatdown

C-D

Californication

Carnivale

Caprica pilot

Castrating Galactica - why Faceman needs to can it

Catherine Tate Christmas Special

CBeebies website

Celebrity Big Brother

Celebrity Big Brother 2006

Celebrity Big Brother 2007

Celebrity Big Brother 2009

Celebrity Big Brother 2010 first eviction

Celebrity Big Brother 2010: Vinnie Jones can drink mare's piss

Celebrity Fit Club

Celebrity Love Island

The Charlotte Church Show

China

Christmas television 2006

Christmas TV 2009 - what not to watc

Clever v Stupid

Come Dine With Me

Comic Relief Does The Apprentice

Coming Of Age

Community

Compulsion

The Contender

The Contender Season Two

Criminal Justice

Criminal Justice Season Two

The Cube

Cutting Edge: My Kid's Psychic

Cutting Edge: Pram Face

Damages

The Dark Side Of Porn

The Dark Side Of Porn: Amateur Porn

Dead Ringers

Deadwood

Deadwood - a lament

Deadwood Season 3

Derren Brown: The Heist

Derren Brown Investigates

Derren Brown's Russian Roulette

Derren Brown - Trick Or Treat

Dexter Season One

Dexter Season Two

Dexter Season 4 Finale

Dexter Season 4 Premiere

Dispatches: The Big Heist

Doctor Who

Doctor Who Series 5 Premiere

Doctor Who Series 5 - Vincent and The Doctor

Dragons Den

Drive

E-I

EastEnders

Election 2005 coverage

Emily Parr - an apology

Entourage Season 5 Premiere

Escape to the Legion

Euro 2008 TV coverage

Everybody Hates Chris

Extras

Extras Christmas special

The Family

Fat Beauty Contest

Feel The Force

Firefly - The Complete Series

Fix My Fat Head

FlashForward

FlashForward midseason report

Floyd Mayweather v Carlos Manuel Baldomir

Fonejacker

Friday Night Project

Generation Kill

Getting On

Glee

Going Cold Turkey

Gravity

Guys And Dolls

Hannah Bradbeer - wide forehead having X Factor goddess

Hard Sell: BT

Harper's Island

Heather Mills: what really happened

Heroes

Heroes Season One Finale

Hidden Lives - Three In A Bed

Home Time

House

How Not To Live Your Life

HSBC adverts

I'm All Shook Up: Parkinson's at 25

I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here

I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, 2006

I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 2008

I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 2009

In This Corner

The Inbetweeners

The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret

Inside Waco

REVIEWS | A-B | C-D | E-I | J-M | N-R | S-T | U-Z | MISC


Celebrity Big Brother 2009

Celebrity Big Brother 2009

Channel 4

Women don't like women. Unless she carries a card from the Department of Health certifying that she is not a total bitch they will assume she is one until proven otherwise. When watching or betting on Celebrity Big Brother you want to be aware of this. Because it's the dames who do the voting and if you even look like someone who may conceivably one day think about stealing her boyfriend then, man alive, will you ever get punished? Blokes - they can pretty much do as they please as long as they avoid overt sexism which most can manage to do. Particularly as nature's biggest misogynists are all women. Anyway, this year's runners and riders:

"If you even look like someone who may steal her boyfriend then, man alive, will you ever get punished? Blokes can pretty much do as they please as long as they avoid overt sexism which most can manage to do. Particularly as nature's biggest misogynists are all women."

Ben Adams - that's right - the Ben Adams. Ben was a member of boreband A1 and he now likes to produce records for the terminally dull. Stupidly low in the betting, his bland anonymity ensures that he will never ever ever ever ever win this and is just here to make up the numbers and fuck me off. Gigantic shitgibbon.

Tommy Sheridan - Aerial Telly has never encountered a socialist who wasn't a cunt and Tommy Sheridan doesn't look like being the first to buck that trend. Loudmouth blowhard and shouty ideologue, he's George Galloway without the intellectual rigour (and hopefully the fucking cat impressions)

"Manchester's irrepressible link fluffer and world's worst television presenter, Christian is coming across as slightly less punchable than you have every right to expect."

Terry Christian - born literally on the centre circle at Old Trafford, Manchester's irrepressible link fluffer and world's worst television presenter, Christian is coming across as slightly less punchable than you have every right to expect.

Latoya Jackson - batshit crazy in the great tradition of the Jackson clan, Latoya has been in an abusive marriage, posed for Playboy and had plastic surgery that makes her look like Helena Bonham Carter in Planet of the Apes. Said she believed kiddie fiddling allegations against her cunt brother but later revealed she only said that because her abusive husband made her. Well thank god for that. For a moment then I thought Michael Jackson had a thing about kids.

"Ulrika Johnson - husband stealing adulterer, Gladiator humper, Stan Collymore punchbag and rumoured sextape co-star, Sven Goran Eriksson strap-on fucker, covert John Leslie rape accuser, walking paternity test wheel of fortune spinner."

Ulrika Johnson - husband stealing adulterer, Gladiator humper, Stan Collymore punchbag and rumoured sextape co-star, Sven Goran Eriksson strap-on fucker, covert John Leslie rape accuser, walking paternity test wheel of fortune spinner and back-when-I-was-sexually-attractive eye candy weathergirl, Ulrika is a girl who just women just can't seem to warm to. I mean, you couldn't really leave your man with her could you? At 42, she is now playing soccer with her tits as frankly terrifying paparazzi seaside photos recently confirmed. While she is undoubtedly a worthless teed, Aerial Telly thinks there are worse people in the universe. Notably:

"Describes herself as a straight down the line straight talker which is usually code for abusive poisonous cunt who can't keep a civil tongue in her head"

Tina Malone - most famous for playing Mimi Maguire from Shameless, Tina spends much of her time in the house sounding like the Bo Selecta Mel B character, referring gratuitously to her 'arse', 'tits' and 'minge'. Describes herself as a straight down the line straight talker which is usually code for abusive poisonous cunt who can't keep a civil tongue in her head. Common as all get-tae-fuck, this one. Hilariously bonded with Latoya Jackson over abusive relationships. Some alliances you really don't see coming.

"Lucy likes to think of herself as a cut above the rest with her GCSEs and her hoity-toity airs and graces but at the end of the day she is just another scumbag Tory cocksucker who makes millions by whoring her tits out for the underclass to spooge over."

Lucy Pinder - a "glamour model noted for her large, natural breasts" (thanks, Wikipaedoia) who likes to think of herself as a cut above the rest with her GCSEs and her hoity-toity airs and graces but at the end of the day she is just another scumbag Tory cocksucker who makes millions by whoring her tits out for the underclass to spooge over.

"Mutya Buena - living proof of the maxim that no woman was ever improved by a tattoo. First on her to-do list should be 'grow some fucking eyebrows'"

Mutya Buena - living proof of the maxim that no woman was ever improved by a tattoo, Mutya looks like a heinous fat chav these days but she's still kind of beautiful. First on her to-do list should be "grow some fucking eyebrows". But chill - she's alright. If this girl is not filth in bed, then my name's not Aerial Telly and I'm not the greatest TV critic the world has ever seen.

Coolio - likeable 90s hack rapper straight out of Compton, Coolio has served time for larceny, and spent productive spells as both a crack addict and a firefighter. These are all a good deal more interesting than his one-trick pony recording career which nobody gives a twopenny fuck about.

Michelle Heaton - pretty, Geordie and pointless, Michelle looked a proper twunk during the talent contest task which showed that she really really can't sing. I mean, this is what she does for a living. I'm amazed she hasn't starved. Heaton admitted last year to cheating on husband Andy Scott Lee but she has some way to go to match the cavalier disregard for public declarations of lifelong fidelity that Keeley Hawes shows.

"Heaton admitted last year to cheating on husband Andy Scott Lee that she has some way to go to match the cavalier disregard for public declarations of lifelong fidelity that Keeley Hawes shows."

Verne Troyer - early favourite, default winner and Mini-Me from Austin Powers, Verne seems likeable enough. He went to some lengths recently to stop a sex tape of him and the next girlfriend hitting the Internet. For once, I wish a celebrity all the best with this wish.

I'm quite liking the mix of characters here. It's early days and not quite enough alcohol has been pumped into the house yet to get a proper row going but the majority have at least something intriguing about them. Those betting on the show the mantra remains the same: watch the producers, not the contestants. That way riches lie.

The best thing about it: The inevitable showdown between Tina Malone and (insert trembling unfortunate housemate here)

The worst thing about it: Tina Malone not fully covered at all times.

The verdict on Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Looks like being one of the better ones.

Marks out of 10: 7

 

Imagined: 6th January 2009



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REVIEWS (cont'd)

J-M

Jericho

John From Cincinnati

Jordan and Peter: Marriage And Mayhem

Joss Whedon's Dollhouse will be the greatest television show in history

Journeyman

jPod

Keys To The Vip

The Kill Point

Kings

King Of Shaves advert

Life

The Life and Times of Tim

Life on Mars

Lip Service

Live From Studio Five

Louie

Louis Theroux - The City Addicted to Crystal Meth

Loose Women

Lost

Lost Season 2

Lost Season 3 Finale

Lost Season 3: half-term report

Lost Season 3 Premiere

Lost Season 4 Half Term report

Lost Season 6 Premiere

Lost Season 6x09 - Ab Aeterno

Lost Series Finale

Luther

Luther Series One finale

Mad Men

Mad Men Season 2

Mad Men Season 2 Finale

Mad Men Season 3 Premiere

Mad Men Season 3 Finale

Mad Men Season 4

The Madness of Boy George

Mars Believe World Cup Campaign

Man vs Wild

Martina Cole's The Take

Mary Archer

The Mentalist

Mercy Series Premiere

Michael Carroll: King Of Chavs

Misfits

The Mitchell Brothers' Return

Mock the Week

Modern Family

Mongrels

Monkey Dust

Morales v Barrera III

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding

My Family

My Name Is Earl

My Penis And I

My Supermodel Baby

 

N-R

Nibble Nobby's Nuts adverts

Nigella

Neighbours 20th anniversary show

No Angels

No Heroics

Old Enough To Be His Mother

Oscars 2005

Only Yesterday - The Carpenters' Story

Pacific

Paradox

Party Animals

Party Down

The Persuasionists

Peaches Geldof: Teen America

Pete Burns' Cosmetic Surgery Nightmares

The Peter Serafinowicz Show

PhoneShop

The Pick-up Artist

The Pickup Artist Season 2 Premiere

Pineapple Dance Studios

Preston's Walk Out on Never Mind The Buzzcocks

Prison Break

Prison Break 2

Prison Break Season Two: half-term report

Prison Break Season Two Premiere

Prison Break Season Two Finale

Prison Break Season 4 Half Term Report

Pulling

Pulse

Pushing Daisies series premiere...

Richard and Judy

Rev

Rome Season One

S-T

Saxondale

The Secret Life of A Manic Depressive

The Secret Policemen's Ball

Seduction School: Size Doesn't Matter

Sex Addict

Seymour Butts

Shameless

Shameless Season 4

Shane

Sherlock

Sherlock series 1 finale: The Great Game

The Shield

The Shield - Season Five Finale

The Shield - Season 6

The Shield series finale

Six Feet Under

Skins

Skins Season 2

Smoking Room

Sons of Anarchy

Sons of Anarchy Season 2 Premiere

The Sopranos Season 6

Space Cadets

Spartacus: Blood and Sand

Spartacus: Blood and Sand Season One Finale

The Spy Who Stole My Life

State of the TV Nation Address

Stepkids In Love

Strike Back

Studs of Suburbia

Summer Heights High

Supernanny

Surviving Disaster

Take That... for the Record

Talk to me

Take Me Out

Ted Bundy - Natural Porn Killer

Terminator - The Sarah Connor Chronicles

The Thick Of It

The Thick of It Series 3

This Life +10

This World: Kidnap Cops

Top 30 TV Shows of 2010

Tower Block of Commons

Treme

True Stories - The Trials Of Amanda Knox

Too Ugly For Love

True Blood

True Blood Season 2 Final

TV's Naughtiest Blunders

U-Z

Unanimous

Underbelly

Undercover Princesses

Veronica Mars

Veronica Mars Season Three Half-term Report

Veronica Mars Season Two

Veronica Mars Season Three Premiere

Veronica Mars Season Three finale

A Very Social Secretary

Vexed

Weeds

Weeds Season 3

Weeds Season 4

Weeds Season 5 Finale

Weeds Season 5 Premiere

When Fearne Met Peaches

When Lineker Met Maradona

Wimbledon coverage

The Wire Season 3

The Wire, Season 4

The Wire Season 5 Premiere

The Wire Series Finale

World Cup coverage

World Cup Final 2010

The World Cup has been kidnapped and molested

World's Deadliest Gangs

Worried About the Boy

X Factor 2005

X-Factor 2007

X-Factor 2008

X-Factor 2009

MISC REVIEWS

40 Pupils Suspended For Bullying

606 with Danny Baker

Amazon Review Scum

Blowjob monologues and the like

Everything is retro, funky and kitsch on eBay nowadays

Floyd Mayweather v Carlos Manuel Baldomir

An Illustrated History of Dis

Fooled By Randomness

Hip-hop

Indie kids - munching on cock all day, every day, from now until forever

Listen up, douchebags: Larry Merchant KO1 murdering rapist hype merchant scum that constitute boxing's deal-making fight-avoiding turd elite

Love skunk Vernon Kay sprays his rat jism

Morales v Barrera III

Music Sounds Better With You(tube)

NME cool list

Playlouder Reviews

Roid Jones jnr? You must be joking, Joke

Stan Collymore

The Streets

Vertigolf

War Winehouse!

We Expose Palace Security As A Bag Of Shite