With the current knife crime epidemic you'd wonder how two shitheels with medieval swords can wander around the streets of England unmolested. But that doesn't bother the makers of Bonekickers. I honestly don't know where to start with this. Let's try the premise: a team of archaeologists dig up things and discover stuff about them. Onto the characters: Professor Gregory Parton (Hugh Bonneville), who likes to be called "Dolly". Ahahahahahahaha!! Dolly Parton! ROTFPMSL!!!!! Already, I know I'm going to love this.

"With the current knife crime epidemic you'd wonder how two shitheels with swords can wander around England unmolested. But that doesn't bother the makers of Bonekickers "

Dolly is a lecherous and supposedly lovable old scrote who wears some kind of hat - that universal signifier of cuntery. Then there's Dr. Gillian Magwilde (Julie Graham) a spectacularly annoying Jock bint who appears to be the focal point of this series and seems to think she is in an episode of The Professionals. She keeps on coming out with stuff like "this wasn't a couple of peasants having a scrap over a bit of skirt". And there is much worse:

"Dolly is a lecherous and supposedly lovable old scrote who wears some kind of hat - that universal signifier of cuntery'"

"Vivien - pretty young intern person when I'm IMPRESSED with you I will ASK for your help" and "identify yourself, creepy caller" then "Antiquity with titties and front bottoms". We are supposed to empathise with her because she is bluff, tough and rough, but as everything she says feels like it's been scripted by Kathy Lette all you actually want to do is cut out her heart and feed it to her children.

Adrian Lester plays Dr. Ben Ergha (essentially reprising his role as Mickey Bricks in Hustle only a slightly shite version - Mickey Pricks, if you will) and the intriguingly named Gugu Mbatha-Raw plays mixed race intern pie Viv Davis who is on a mission to win Jockbint's RESPECT. Neither of these account for shit but they are the least annoying characters in sight.

"Adrian Lester plays Dr. Ben Ergha (essentially reprising his role as Mickey Bricks in Hustle only a slightly shite version - Mickey Pricks, if you will)."

The plot of the first episode could barely be dumber. They find some 12th century Knights Templar hacked to death along with a piece of what could be Christ's cross. Yes, I know but that's not all. As they search for archaeological truth, evil Christian fanatics obsessed with the Crusades led by scenery chewing Christian super villain Edward Laygass, want to buy the land, secure THE CROSS and START HOLY WAR because that's what Christians do in this country.

"Laygass has a huge army (of two fruits) who walk around wearing the same Crusader fancy dress you see English cricket fans wear."

Laygass has a huge army (of two fruits) who walk around wearing the same Crusader fancy dress you see English cricket fans wear at the Test Match. One of them is Mad Joe Wicks from Eastenders, last seen losing his marbles after dating that pissdrinking bastard Daniela Denby-Ashe. Cartoon Christian supervillains with swords. It's just that real.

While the fucking abysmally drawn villains are off running around bumping into things we are treated to terrific on the nose dialogue from Jockbint and she stands over the site "come on give up your secrets" she says almost to herself. Almost to herself but really to us as we are colossally stupid and can't figure out for ourselves that she would quite like the site to give up its secrets

"'I was born in Dudley' says one of them. Yeah? Why can't you do the fucking accent then you inept RADA cunt?"

The Christian Knights of HATE come up against some lovely cuddly Muslim university students who aren't , say, throwing acid in women's faces, burning books in Bradford or naming mosques after Kurd killers. "I was born in Dudley" says one of them. Yeah? Why can't you do the fucking accent then you inept RADA cunt?

"Being an evil Christian bastard Mad Joe decapitates him with a fucking sword. I think it must be part of some kind of......... modern-day crusade!'"

Meanwhile Mickey Pricks has had a breakthrough in his own personal psychological whodunit "Laygass is going to twist this into some kind of..... modern-day crusade!"

Oh, you think, Mickey? Well, I didn't see that coming. Maybe Mad Joe Wicks dressed as Sir Lancelot and the word Crusade being used in every other sentence should have tipped me off.

Lovely born-in-Dudley-but-can't-do-the-accent Muslim agrees to meet with Mad Joe Wicks and of course is preaching peace. Because that's what Muslims do in BBC land. But being an evil Christian bastard corrupted by the evil doctrine of Christianity, Mad Joe decapitates him with his fucking sword. I'm not making this up. I think it must be part of some kind of......... modern-day crusade! Either that or he thinks he's in the fucking Wu-Tang Clan.

"I can't begin to tell you how bad this is. It assaults every sensibility you have. It's embarrassingly, moronically PC. Every syllable of the lumpen on-the-nose dialogue hurts to listen to. The internal logic of the plotting is fucked."

I can't begin to tell you how bad this is. It assaults every sensibility you have. It's embarrassingly, moronically PC. Every syllable of the lumpen on-the-nose dialogue hurts to listen to. The internal logic of the plotting is fucked. No one's actions make any sense. Every one of the characters deserves to be murdered a dozen times. There's a risible Raiders of the Lost Ark denouement in an underground chamber which in many ways is even worse than the rest of the show. Seriously, Cuntkickers is one of the worst things I have ever seen.

"I'm going to make it my personal mission to destroy the careers of everyone involved in this heap of shit.'"

BBC, you patronising pious cunts - how dare you fill the airwaves with this horseshit? I'm going to make it my personal mission to destroy the careers of everyone involved in this heap of shit. You have mocked God and worse, insulted telly. You are not going to get away with this you bastards.

The best thing about it: Erm...

The worst thing about it: Muslim: good. Christian: bad - the new BBC policy on religious broadcasting.

The verdict on Bonekickers: A holy war on television.

Marks out of 10: 0

Imagined: 12th July 2008

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