Celebrities are squealing meat on the slab of the media. Did you ever doubt it? This year's Celebrity Big Brother beat the last spark of scepticism out of you. It ended in glorious vindication for the saintlike Shilpa who walked from the house as innocent and oblivious as a baby lamb to the furore outside. The question on everyone's lips was: Which religious figure did she most resemble as she glided down the walkway - Madonna? Joan of Arc? Princess Diana? Her beauty, good nature and humanity shone through the clouds of cuntiness surrounding her. She was a walking biblical parable - the pampered princess who turned out to be not just the toughest but also the sweetest natured person in the house. Coming from the rarefied air of a world few in the West understand, and many don't even know exists, she was bundled into the lion's den of sorority bitching with scant regard for her well-being or the unholy shit storm it would cause from here to Bombay.

"Jade acts like a demonic pig when she has someone on the ropes then reverts to helpless crying child the moment she gets found out."

The viciousness of the bullying was intense and Endemol should be ashamed of themselves for not stepping in earlier. As should that sack of shit Ian Watkins and deranged menopausal hag Cleo Rocos who were both in excellent positions to do so. The ugly wolf pack mentality of Jade, Jo and Danielle was shown in pornographic detail each night with lingering shots of Shilpa's distress and the bullies' glee. It frequently became unwatchable. But while we're about let's give some brief biography on the three culprits.

"Jo is a heartless cretin and face Hiroshima who even Wayne Rooney wouldn't pay to have sex with."

Jade: Fat, ugly ball of fury and spite. Acts like a demonic pig when she has someone on the ropes then reverts to helpless crying child the moment she gets found out. Forged in the white heat of Big Brother 3, nobody epitomises the shallow cruel stupidity of substanceless celebrity like Jade. We got ourselves a crying, walking, sleeping, talking argument against reality television. Shit person, shit face, shithead.

Jo: Scrawny, ugly, pathologically insecure harridan, fag-ash Lil with a nasty perma-sneer welded on to her prematurely aged face. Jo is frequently compared to Pat Butcher and this is unfair - Pat was a tart with a heart who men paid to have sex with. Jo is a heartless cretin and face Hiroshima who even Wayne Rooney wouldn't pay to have sex with. Broke-as-fuck dog breeder who will never, ever, EVER work again.

"Danielle will spend the rest of her life being attended to by the 1997 Blackburn Rovers squad then xing Max Clifford's y in exchange for selling the footage to the Sunday People."

Danielle: The worst of the bunch. Her Miss UK intro reads: "Danielle, 34-22-666, is a professional moose faced, gold-digging, football groupie. In her spare time she is a racist fucknut, retarded Scouse twunt and a proven liar. She enjoys spending time pushing disabled children in front of buses. Shall be available in the foyer for autographs and blowjobs after the conclusion of the pageant". Will spend the rest of her life being attended to by the 1997 Blackburn Rovers squad then xing Max Clifford's y in exchange for selling the footage to the Sunday People.

"Miss Shetty has an unfailing need to see the good in anyone - even when it dwindles to a pinprick."

There was the inevitable backlash as the racism coverage reached fever pitch. Shilpa brought much of it on herself, they said. "Why doesn't Shilpa apologise for 9/11?" asked a post on Jade Goody's forum. Why indeed. Some claimed that it was about class rather than race. This was horseshit, of course . Being working-class doesn't make you an ignorant piece of shit nor does it mitigate this behaviour. And those who seek to shift some of the blame on to Shilpa are shameless frauds as well. The divine Miss Shetty was blameless throughout all of this and the three thugs took advantage of her unfailing need to see the good in anyone - even when it dwindles to a pinprick.

Perhaps the most grateful person in all of this was Leo Sayer. Exposed as a whiny prissy bitch and deluded drama queen early on, his personal horror show was overshadowed by the Witches of East Ham. Just as none of the celebrities stood up to misogynist shitbag Pete Burns last year all of them failed to stand up for Shilpa. All except Jermaine Jackson whose fortune cookie platitudes and implacable regal air were an enduring feature of the show.

"While Endemol pay lip-service to the moral dimension of their programming their actions consistently show that ratings is the only god they bow to."

So what now for the players in this squalid drama? Jo is a trembling wreck who can't return home because of death threats. Jade has checked into the Priory being treated for depression. Danielle's lawyers scour house footage desperate for evidence of misrepresentation. And Shilpa, divine, lovely Shilpa, is flooded by marriage proposals and offers of work. Good triumphs over evil and all is well, yes?

No. Some time, some place this unethical human experiment is going to blow the fuck up in Endemol's face. One day they will place someone without Shilpa's superhuman patience and fortitude in an impossible position and they will smack someone the fuck up live on national TV or begin mutilating themselves in the diary room. While they pay lip-service to the moral dimension of their programming their actions consistently show that ratings is the only god they bow to. The prospect of something genuinely nasty happening as a result of the shows grows ever more real.

The best thing about it: The genesis of Shilpa - sacred princess, accessible goddess and arse legend.

The worst thing about it: Endemol's devious indolence

The verdict on Big Brother, Shilpa Shetty and racism: You're pushing your luck now.

Marks out of 10: 6

Like the review? Download the e-book!

Contact Aerial Telly