Having colossally fucked up Celebrity Big Brother to the extent that they caused riots in another continent, Channel 4 and Endemol are hoping that the 8th Olympiad of Stupidity they call Big Brother will act as redemption for them after their weaselly buck passing over the Shilpa situation. The opening night felt low key despite Davina's increasingly desperate cheerleading. It clashed with The Apprentice which produced far more consistent and watchable drama throughout its run right up until Sugar awarded the £100K job to Simong as Kristina cracked walnuts between her arse cheeks.

"It clashed with The Apprentice which produced far more consistent and watchable drama throughout its run right up until Sugar awarded the £100K job to Simong as Kristina cracked walnuts between her arse cheeks."

Davina causes an increasing amount of ill-feeling among the Big Brother internet massive and while I can kind of understand this she doesn't really bother me so much. She does just seem to get things wrong like persistently referring to the annual headline grabbing loudmouth moron as "genius housemate". This show is experiencing its usual problem of keeping people in the house. At the time of writing, three people have left the house through the public vote and a further three through non-conventional means. Lesley after realising that the Big Brother experience involved tolerating the likes of glove puppet cuntbox Seany, Emily after niggering Charley to death and Jonathan to attend the funeral of his 104 year old grandmother. The good die young.

"The semi-automatic machine-gun mouthed hair holocaust is every kind of cunt, including several yet to be discovered by man."

Charley has been the depressingly inevitable focus of Big Brother 8. The semi-automatic machine-gun mouthed hair holocaust is every kind of cunt, including several yet to be discovered by man. She has, by her own admission, "been wiv" a few Premiership footballers. I'm just amazed she can stop talking long enough to suck cock though I suppose she makes time for what is clearly her lifetime ambition. Rangy, slim and sassy, Churly seems destined to join Danielle Lloyd in the VIP area of Shaggers nightclub in Wakefield, being throatfucked by the entire 1997 Blackburn Rovers squad.

"Charley has, by her own admission, 'been wiv' a few Premiership footballers. I'm just amazed she can stop talking long enough to suck cock."

Aerial Telly's betting strategy on the show has been a simple and ingeniously effective one. Laying all the early favourites has allowed him to build up sizable equity on Any Other and he then backs the said early favourites at a higher price when the inevitable drift comes. As far as the winner goes it's obvious that there are certain people Endemol will favour. These are:

"The twin pronged sugar rush will be an unstoppable, unblinking Stepford publicity machine for the Big Brother franchise should one of them grab the crown."

Sam and Amanda, the twins. Sweet-natured and marketable as hell, the twin pronged sugar rush will be an unstoppable, unblinking Stepford publicity machine for the Big Brother franchise should one of them grab the crown.

Brian. After two race controversies in a row, Endemol would love Brian to be their first black winner. That he is an urban Forrest Gump, unlikely to ask any awkward questions about the show's recent record, is just a fabulous bonus.

"Standing a far better chance than Charley of nabbing a Premiership footballer on the grounds of being sexually attractive, Chanelle is potentially golden publicity for the show for years to come."

Chanelle. While no obvious story attaches itself to Chanelle, the Posh lookalike WAG wannabe is highly photogenic and craves publicity like plants crave electrolytes. Standing a far better chance than Charley of nabbing a Premiership footballer on the grounds of being sexually attractive, she is potentially golden publicity for the show for years to come.

"Charley's arguments are carbon-copy repeats of the previous nights. Get rid of that shoe-faced cunt and we might have a half-decent show on our hands."

Tracey. Giving £100,000 to a gurning Mr Punch looking cleaner cum raver would almost make you feel that winning Big Brother was worthwhile and that you as a viewer actually made a difference to someone's life. Being broke as fuck by itself won't be enough for Tracy, though. She needs to engage more and break free from her linguistic prison constructed from purest catchphrase.

It has trundled along quite pleasantly so far with the mix of characters echoing the early seasons' more subtle palette in contrast with the recent freak shows that had become the norm. Keeping Charley in at all costs is a recipe for tedium and you wish that the producers would see past their simplistic arguments-equals-ratings formula. This only works if the arguments aren't carbon-copy repeats of the previous nights. Get rid of that shoe-faced cunt and we might have a half-decent show on our hands.

The best thing about it: Chanelle walking around in her underwear

The worst thing about it: Charley - deeply, authentically boring

The verdict on Big Brother 2007: Why change a winning formula?

Marks out of 10: 7

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