Hello all you turds. I know many of you "people" look to me for guidance in your lives and that's a humbling thing. "Aerial Telly, am I too young to start saving for a pension?" you ask ."Aerial Telly, will you please have sex with me so I know what it's like to be fucked by a real man?" you ask. "Aerial Telly, can you tell me the name of the tune on the Renault Clio advert?" you ask. The answers are respectively "no", "maybe" and "get tae fuck".

"The Big Brother launch night and finale are TV events that seem as established as changing of the guard, the Wimbledon final and unfunny BBC sitcoms."

Many of you will be confused over how to respond to the new intake in the Big Brother 2006 house. Well don't fret because I'm here to tell you what to think - the at-a-glance guide to the houseschlebs is below. After just six series the Big Brother launch night and finale are TV events that seem as established as changing of the guard, the Wimbledon final and unfunny BBC sitcoms.

"She seemed to be getting a little too excited at the soft furnishings and contemporary light fittings. I'm sure I saw a wet patch when she got up off the Diary Room chair."

Maybe because it's become so familiar it lacked a little excitement this year - Davina with those chunky little legs, in black, pregnant again, running breathlessly around a BRAND NEW house which you couldn't help noticing looked just like all the others. She seemed to be getting a little too excited at the soft furnishings and contemporary light fittings. I'm sure I saw a wet patch when she got up off the Diary Room chair.

Despite increasingly vociferous criticism of her interview technique and crowd control Davina has hung on to power like Robert Mugabe - a stance no doubt emboldened by the failure of her hysterically piss poor chat show which briefly threatened to eclipse Nigella for prime-time inanity.

"The limo spewed them out, one-by-one to suckle hungrily on the teat of celebrity that swung low over their heads."

So it was Davina (not Russell Brand, not Dermot O'Leary or indeed David O'Leary) who welcomed the hopeful shitbags into the Kafkaesque holiday camp they call Big Brother. The limo spewed them out, one- by-one to suckle hungrily on the teat of celebrity that swung low over their heads. They came as follows.

Pete, 24: Poster boy for Tourette syndrome, Peter employs a shtick that combines the comedy stylings of Robin Williams with the physical jerks of Jim Carrey or Lee Evans. If that sounds like the single most annoying entity imaginable - you're not wrong. Will likely be slaughtered by another housemate who will successfully mount a mercy killing defence.

"Shahbaz wants people to see that there are gay Muslims out there who are not terrorists. Bound to guarantee him the Muslim vote (for execution)."

Shahbaz, 37: Scottish Asian homosexual Shahbaz wants people to see that there are gay Muslims out there who are not terrorists. Bound to guarantee him the Muslim vote (for execution). A gay man who has never had a boyfriend, at 37 he does appear to have a few issues with boundaries and not shutting the fuck up. Effortlessly got people's backs up early on. Expect to see much weeping and 'why does nobody love me' Diary Room appearances as the show unravels.

Lea, 35(!) Space hopper titted monstrosity who is claiming to be 35 when she is mid-forties at youngest. The product of decades of plastic surgery, she's hugely proud of her 30M norks and claims she's doing Big Brother "for my son and for my mom" Of course you are! Her son is beside himself with glee as playground bullies tactfully avoid the subject of his mother's breasts. Thanks Mom!

"Bonnie is a care worker who has recently started working with people with Down's syndrome so she'll be right at home here."

Bonnie, 20: Bonnie is a care worker who has recently started working with people with Down's syndrome so she'll be right at home here. She was very vocal on her audition tape in her hope that there would be much masturbation in the Big Brother house. Aim for the stars, kid.

Imogen: A former Miss Wales, Imogen once spent £1,000 on underwear in a crazed spree. Variously described as "sexy", "edgy" and "confident" I'd probably lean towards "dreary", "hairy" and "cunt" in my description which is not to say I wouldn't spend an hour rummaging through her knicker drawer. Aim for the bras, kid.

"George seems likely to spend his time in the house missing the point, misreading the public reaction and wondering why he lacks the common touch that some toffs."

George, 19: The flat-nosed posh boy with royal connections doesn't like hyper-gay men and after having been surrounded by closet cases his entire life it's not hard to imagine why. Unapologetic for his privileged background, George seems likely to spend his time in the house missing the point, misreading the public reaction and wondering why he lacks the common touch that some toffs have. His lifetime ambition is to own a fleet of Bentleys. Aim for the cars, kid.

Grace, 20: Grace has the unfortunate combination of being female and a Sloane Ranger. Which is like a potential suitor of Heather McCartney being broke and of sound mind. The dance teacher insists she won't fuck anybody in the house which makes her even more pointless. Spoiled, not particularly bright and addicted to chocolate. Aim for the Mars, kid.

"A fully qualified sex bore, Richard hopes to spend his time in the house being bummed by big strong men. A wholly plausible wish."

Richard, 33: Self-proclaimed 'sexual terrorist' Richard hails from Canada and waits tables for a living like the people in Dandy Warhols' - Bohemian Like You, so you'd better not get bent about sleeping on the couch while he's there. A fully qualified sex bore, Richard hopes to spend his time in the house being bummed by big strong men. A wholly plausible wish.

Lisa, 27: The sassy Chinese Manc looks about 300 years old with a smile to match. Quite engaging in an oriental prostitute about to steal your wallet kind of way. She confesses to having a temper and warns that nobody should cross her. Despite this, she luv you long-time and looks likely to be in the shake-up for the final night.

"If he shows the slightest sliver of a sensitive side he will go favourite as those girls just can't resist a lovable rogue."

Mikey, 22. The Scouse model received boos for an anti-feminist comment on his audition tape but this really shouldn't bother
him. If he shows the slightest sliver of a sensitive side he will go favourite as those girls just can't resist a lovable rogue. Has winner potential if he avoids Federico's excesses.

Dawn, 38: Dawn is an exercise scientist from Birmingham - there's no such job, of course. She provided a frankly hilarious audition tape which revealed her philosophy of life being"solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short."Perma-scowling Dawn has no friends, doesn't like people and doesn't like life. It's my favourite single audition for Big Brother and she deserves to win based on the strength of the tape alone. She will, of course, be voted out at the first opportunity

"If, as I suspect, his mother was beaten up for being ugly or nagging then she can hardly complain."

Sezer: Sezer speaks about having grown up in a women's refuge. If, as I suspect, his mother was beaten up for being ugly or nagging then she can hardly complain. It's a shame somebody isn't beating Sezer up as he's a smug little shitbag. A stockbroker/property developer he came up the hard way like Syed from The Apprentice but Doesn't Want To Talk About It. Just like Syed.

Nikki: The in-your-face, sit-on-your-face blonde model sees being a footballer's wife as the pinnacle of achievement for a slut like her and, of course, she's right. Being a footballer's wife these days generally involves being a beard for his rampant homosexuality so let's hope she gets her wish.

"This jug-eared face holocaust somehow believes himself to be sexually attractive."

Glyn: This jug-eared face holocaust somehow believes himself to be sexually attractive. Exhibiting the kind of arms-length relationship with reality that X Factor auditionees specialise in, Glyn proudly proclaims himself Sexiest Lifeguard In North Wales
an award that sits proudly on his mantelpiece alongside his extra chromosome.

The best thing about it: Dawn's homage to Ingmar Bergman

The worst thing about it: Wacky Tourette boy.

The verdict on Big Brother 2006 Launch Night : 13 weeks of this?

Marks out of 10: 7