aerial telly: the television panopticonYou 'people' make me sick

Over 500 Reviews. Including: Battlestar Galactica, Veronica Mars, Prison Break, Deadwood, The Shield, 30 Rock, 24, The Wire and Lost. Updated Wednesdays and Fridays. You "people" make me sick.

"a depressing but brilliant read.... a superbly written manifesto for nothing." Daniel Hart

INFO

Home

About Aerial Telly

Aerial Telly in The Guardian

James Donaghy's website

Love List

The noble truths of Aerial Telly

Turn-off TV Week

Review Index

Mailbag

 

 

TV REVIEWS

7 Days on the Breadline

9/11 Faker

10 Years Younger

24: Season 4

24: Season 5

24 Season 5 finale

24: Season 6

24 Season 7

30 Rock

Aerial Telly Awards 2005

Aerial Telly Awards 2006

Aerial Telly Awards 2007

Aerial Telly Awards 2008

Aerial Telly Awards 2009

Aerial Telly search queries

Aerial Telly search queries 2

Aerial Telly search queries 3

Aerial Comment

"Ah fuck it - the cunt bit me" - a Steve Irwin tribute

Alive: Back To The Andes

Amy Winehouse on Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Amy Winehouse on the Charlotte Church show

Anti-Social Old Buggers

The Apprentice

The Apprentice Series Three Final

The Apprentice Series 3 half-term report

The Apprentice Season 4

The Apprentice Series 4 Finale

The Armstrongs

Arrested Development

Ashes to Ashes

Balderdash And Piffle

Battlestar Galactica Season 3

Battlestar Galactica Season 3 finale

Battlestar Galactica Season 4

Battlestar Galactica Season 4 mid-season finale

Battlestar Galactica Series finale

Battlestar Galactica: Sometimes a Great Notion

Battlestar Galactica - The Plan

Beauty And The Geek

Being Human

Bernard Manning From Beyond the Grave

Bernard Matthews Golden Moments

Big Brother 2005

Big Brother 2006 Launch Night

Big Brother 2007

Big Brother 2007: Get that chickenhead hoodrat out

Big Brother 2008

Big Brother 2008 - It's a Wonderful Life (when you're not in it

Big Brother 2008 - Mario must die

Big Brother 2008: Stuart tapped the compassion vending machine and it toppled over and fell on top of him

Big Brother's Big Mouth

Big Brother, Emily Parr and racism

Big Brother got no gas, Sienna Miller got no ass, Mark Ronson got no class

Big Brother poetry

Big Brother, Shilpa Shetty and racism

Bionic Woman pre-air pilot

Bo! in the USA

Bodies

Bodies series finale

Body Shock: Half Ton Man

Bollocks To Cancer

Bonekickers

The Boys Who Killed Stephen Lawrence

Breaking Bad

Bring Back...Grange Hill

Britney and Kevin: Chaotic

Bully Beatdown

Californication

Carnivale

Caprica pilot

Castrating Galactica - why Faceman needs to can it

Catherine Tate Christmas Special

CBeebies website

Celebrity Big Brother

Celebrity Big Brother 2006

Celebrity Big Brother 2007

Celebrity Big Brother 2009

Celebrity Fit Club

Celebrity Love Island

The Charlotte Church Show

China

Christmas television 2006

Christmas TV 2009 - what not to watc

Clever v Stupid

Comic Relief Does The Apprentice

Coming Of Age

Compulsion

The Contender

The Contender Season Two

Criminal Justice

Criminal Justice Season Two

The Cube

Cutting Edge: My Kid's Psychic

Cutting Edge: Pram Face

Damages

The Dark Side Of Porn

The Dark Side Of Porn: Amateur Porn

Dead Ringers

Deadwood

Deadwood - a lament

Deadwood Season 3

Derren Brown: The Heist

Derren Brown's Russian Roulette

Derren Brown - Trick Or Treat

Dexter Season One

Dexter Season Two

Dexter Season 4 Finale

Dexter Season 4 Premiere

Dispatches: The Big Heist

Doctor Who

Dragons Den

Drive

EastEnders

Election 2005 coverage

Emily Parr - an apology

Entourage Season 5 Premiere

Escape to the Legion

Euro 2008 TV coverage

Everybody Hates Chris

Extras

Extras Christmas special

The Family

Fat Beauty Contest

Feel The Force

Firefly - The Complete Series

Fix My Fat Head

FlashForward

FlashForward midseason report

Floyd Mayweather v Carlos Manuel Baldomir

Fonejacker

Friday Night Project

Generation Kill

Getting On

Glee

Going Cold Turkey

Guys And Dolls

Hannah Bradbeer - wide forehead having X Factor goddess

Harper's Island

Heather Mills: what really happened

Heroes

Heroes Season One Finale

Hidden Lives - Three In A Bed

Home Time

House

How Not To Live Your Life

HSBC adverts

I'm All Shook Up: Parkinson's at 25

I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here

I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, 2006

I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 2008

I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 2009

In This Corner

The Inbetweeners

Inside Waco

Jericho

John From Cincinnati

Jordan and Peter: Marriage And Mayhem

Joss Whedon's Dollhouse will be the greatest television show in history

Journeyman

jPod

Keys To The Vip

The Kill Point

Kings

King Of Shaves advert

Life

The Life and Times of Tim

Life on Mars

Live From Studio Five

Louis Theroux - The City Addicted to Crystal Meth

Loose Women

Lost

Lost Season 2

Lost Season Three Finale

Lost Season 3: half-term report

Lost Season 3 Premiere

Lost Season Four Half Term report

Mad Men

Mad Men Season 2

Mad Men Season 2 Finale

Mad Men Season 3 Premiere

Mad Men Season 3 Finale

The Madness of Boy George

Mars Believe World Cup Campaign

Man vs Wild

Martina Cole's The Take

Mary Archer

The Mentalist

Mercy Series Premiere

Michael Carroll: King Of Chavs

Misfits

The Mitchell Brothers' Return

Mock the Week

Monkey Dust

Morales v Barrera III

My Family

My Name Is Earl

My Penis And I

My Supermodel Baby

Nibble Nobby's Nuts adverts

Nigella

Neighbours 20th anniversary show

No Angels

No Heroics

Old Enough To Be His Mother

Oscars 2005

Paradox

Party Animals

Peaches Geldof: Teen America

Pete Burns' Cosmetic Surgery Nightmares

The Peter Serafinowicz Show

The Pick-up Artist

The Pickup Artist Season 2 Premiere

Preston's Walk Out on Never Mind The Buzzcocks

Prison Break

Prison Break 2

Prison Break Season Two: half-term report

Prison Break Season Two Premiere

Prison Break Season Two Finale

Prison Break Season 4 Half Term Report

Pulling


Twitter

Big Brother 2006 Launch Night

Big Brother 2006 Launch Night

Channel 4

Hello all you turds. I know many of you "people" look to me for guidance in your lives and that's a humbling thing. "Aerial Telly, am I too young to start saving for a pension?" you ask ."Aerial Telly, will you please have sex with me so I know what it's like to be fucked by a real man?" you ask. "Aerial Telly, can you tell me the name of the tune on the Renault Clio advert?" you ask. The answers are respectively "no", "maybe" and "get tae fuck".

"The Big Brother launch night and finale are TV events that seem as established as changing of the guard, the Wimbledon final and unfunny BBC sitcoms."

Many of you will be confused over how to respond to the new intake in the Big Brother 2006 house. Well don't fret because I'm here to tell you what to think - the at-a-glance guide to the houseschlebs is below. After just six series the Big Brother launch night and finale are TV events that seem as established as changing of the guard, the Wimbledon final and unfunny BBC sitcoms.

"She seemed to be getting a little too excited at the soft furnishings and contemporary light fittings. I'm sure I saw a wet patch when she got up off the Diary Room chair."

Maybe because it's become so familiar it lacked a little excitement this year - Davina with those chunky little legs, in black, pregnant again, running breathlessly around a BRAND NEW house which you couldn't help noticing looked just like all the others. She seemed to be getting a little too excited at the soft furnishings and contemporary light fittings. I'm sure I saw a wet patch when she got up off the Diary Room chair.

Despite increasingly vociferous criticism of her interview technique and crowd control Davina has hung on to power like Robert Mugabe - a stance no doubt emboldened by the failure of her hysterically piss poor chat show which briefly threatened to eclipse Nigella for prime-time inanity.

"The limo spewed them out, one-by-one to suckle hungrily on the teat of celebrity that swung low over their heads."

So it was Davina (not Russell Brand, not Dermot O'Leary or indeed David O'Leary) who welcomed the hopeful shitbags into the Kafkaesque holiday camp they call Big Brother. The limo spewed them out, one- by-one to suckle hungrily on the teat of celebrity that swung low over their heads. They came as follows.

Pete, 24: Poster boy for Tourette syndrome, Peter employs a shtick that combines the comedy stylings of Robin Williams with the physical jerks of Jim Carrey or Lee Evans. If that sounds like the single most annoying entity imaginable - you're not wrong. Will likely be slaughtered by another housemate who will successfully mount a mercy killing defence.

"Shahbaz wants people to see that there are gay Muslims out there who are not terrorists. Bound to guarantee him the Muslim vote (for execution)."

Shahbaz, 37: Scottish Asian homosexual Shahbaz wants people to see that there are gay Muslims out there who are not terrorists. Bound to guarantee him the Muslim vote (for execution). A gay man who has never had a boyfriend, at 37 he does appear to have a few issues with boundaries and not shutting the fuck up. Effortlessly got people's backs up early on. Expect to see much weeping and 'why does nobody love me' Diary Room appearances as the show unravels.

Lea, 35(!) Space hopper titted monstrosity who is claiming to be 35 when she is mid-forties at youngest. The product of decades of plastic surgery, she's hugely proud of her 30M norks and claims she's doing Big Brother "for my son and for my mom" Of course you are! Her son is beside himself with glee as playground bullies tactfully avoid the subject of his mother's breasts. Thanks Mom!

"Bonnie is a care worker who has recently started working with people with Down's syndrome so she'll be right at home here."

Bonnie, 20: Bonnie is a care worker who has recently started working with people with Down's syndrome so she'll be right at home here. She was very vocal on her audition tape in her hope that there would be much masturbation in the Big Brother house. Aim for the stars, kid.

Imogen: A former Miss Wales, Imogen once spent £1,000 on underwear in a crazed spree. Variously described as "sexy", "edgy" and "confident" I'd probably lean towards "dreary", "hairy" and "cunt" in my description which is not to say I wouldn't spend an hour rummaging through her knicker drawer. Aim for the bras, kid.

"George seems likely to spend his time in the house missing the point, misreading the public reaction and wondering why he lacks the common touch that some toffs."

George, 19: The flat-nosed posh boy with royal connections doesn't like hyper-gay men and after having been surrounded by closet cases his entire life it's not hard to imagine why. Unapologetic for his privileged background, George seems likely to spend his time in the house missing the point, misreading the public reaction and wondering why he lacks the common touch that some toffs have. His lifetime ambition is to own a fleet of Bentleys. Aim for the cars, kid.

Grace, 20: Grace has the unfortunate combination of being female and a Sloane Ranger. Which is like a potential suitor of Heather McCartney being broke and of sound mind. The dance teacher insists she won't fuck anybody in the house which makes her even more pointless. Spoiled, not particularly bright and addicted to chocolate. Aim for the Mars, kid.

"A fully qualified sex bore, Richard hopes to spend his time in the house being bummed by big strong men. A wholly plausible wish."

Richard, 33: Self-proclaimed 'sexual terrorist' Richard hails from Canada and waits tables for a living like the people in Dandy Warhols' - Bohemian Like You, so you'd better not get bent about sleeping on the couch while he's there. A fully qualified sex bore, Richard hopes to spend his time in the house being bummed by big strong men. A wholly plausible wish.

Lisa, 27: The sassy Chinese Manc looks about 300 years old with a smile to match. Quite engaging in an oriental prostitute about to steal your wallet kind of way. She confesses to having a temper and warns that nobody should cross her. Despite this, she luv you long-time and looks likely to be in the shake-up for the final night.

"If he shows the slightest sliver of a sensitive side he will go favourite as those girls just can't resist a lovable rogue."

Mikey, 22. The Scouse model received boos for an anti-feminist comment on his audition tape but this really shouldn't bother
him. If he shows the slightest sliver of a sensitive side he will go favourite as those girls just can't resist a lovable rogue. Has winner potential if he avoids Federico's excesses.

Dawn, 38: Dawn is an exercise scientist from Birmingham - there's no such job, of course. She provided a frankly hilarious audition tape which revealed her philosophy of life being"solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short."Perma-scowling Dawn has no friends, doesn't like people and doesn't like life. It's my favourite single audition for Big Brother and she deserves to win based on the strength of the tape alone. She will, of course, be voted out at the first opportunity

"If, as I suspect, his mother was beaten up for being ugly or nagging then she can hardly complain."

Sezer: Sezer speaks about having grown up in a women's refuge. If, as I suspect, his mother was beaten up for being ugly or nagging then she can hardly complain. It's a shame somebody isn't beating Sezer up as he's a smug little shitbag. A stockbroker/property developer he came up the hard way like Syed from The Apprentice but Doesn't Want To Talk About It. Just like Syed.

Nikki: The in-your-face, sit-on-your-face blonde model sees being a footballer's wife as the pinnacle of achievement for a slut like her and, of course, she's right. Being a footballer's wife these days generally involves being a beard for his rampant homosexuality so let's hope she gets her wish.

"This jug-eared face holocaust somehow believes himself to be sexually attractive."

Glyn: This jug-eared face holocaust somehow believes himself to be sexually attractive. Exhibiting the kind of arms-length relationship with reality that X Factor auditionees specialise in, Glyn proudly proclaims himself Sexiest Lifeguard In North Wales
an award that sits proudly on his mantelpiece alongside his extra chromosome.

The best thing about it: Dawn's homage to Ingmar Bergman

The worst thing about it: Wacky Tourette boy.

The verdict on Big Brother 2006 Launch Night : 13 weeks of this?

Marks out of 10: 7





Contact Aerial Telly

 

FILM REVIEWS

28 Weeks Later

2 Days In Paris

American Gangster

Antichrist

Apocalypto

Assault in the Ring

Atonement

The Bank Job

The Bourne Ultimatum

Bruno

Changeling

Clubbed

Control

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Dawn Of The Dead

The Departed

The Descent

Fahrenheit 9/11

Hard Candy

Ils (Them)

In Bruges

Juno

Lars and the Real Girl

Let The Right One In

Lust, Caution

Man on Wire

Notes On A Scandal

Once

Open Water

Pan's Labyrinth

Rocky Balboa

Saw

Super Size Me

Tyson

United 93

WALL-E

When the Levees Broke

The Wrestler

Zodiac

 

AERIAL TELLY'S GUIDE TO BETTING

200,000 undersexed schlubs have the weekend of their lives after following Aerial Telly's betting advice

Aerial Telly ascends to boxing divinity as a piss drenched Marquez howls like a mortally wounded animal at the stars

Aerial Telly's bookie - rest in peace, loser

Aerial Telly - love and compassion in his heart, cash money in his wallet and your girl on his jock

Aerial Telly pulls boxing from the flames of the 50 storey burning shithouse constructed by Valueless and Haye

Aerial Telly's refusal to take inferior prices on Miguel Cotto means he wins AGAIN

Aerial Telly shows a hell of a lot of class by not celebrating yet another night of betting glory

Aerial Telly wins crushing victory against forces of darkness - bookmaker on suicide watch

All the piss in Mexico City can't stop Juan Manuel Marquez from taking an L from Floyd Mayweather

Amir Khan World Champion before the end of the year? Get the fuck out of here.

Bernard Hopkins v Joe Calzaghe is going the distance

Big Brother betting. Brian at 1.83 - have you freaks lost your minds?

Cotto v Margarito - Aerial Telly's boundless compassion means he can't get a wedge on at the correct price

Emmanuel Dapidran Pacquiao is going to beat Richard John Hatton MBE

Joe Calzaghe is going to beat Mikkel Kessler

Joke Calslappy will murder chicken torturing, child support avoiding, dog murderer Roid Jones

Juan Díaz es el Bebé Bull pero Juan Manuel Marquez es El Matador

Juan Diaz wrestles back title of worst bastard in the history of forever from Turdmain Failur

Juan Manuel Marquez murders Juan Diaz to keep Aerial Telly's phenomenal win streak running

Listen up, fuckwads - Floyd Mayweather to beat Oscar De La Hoya on points at anything over 8/11 is the bet of the year

Manny Pacquiao is this generation's Roberto Duran and Aerial Telly is this generation's Ace Rothstein, Giacomo Casanova and George Orwell combined

Manny Pacquiao, the Mexicutioner, has killed more Mexicans than the maquiladoras

Manny Pacquiao, the Mexicutioner, Harvester of Souls, is the greatest fighter that ever lived

OK shitcake bakers get this: Manny Pacquiao is the greatest fighter that ever lived but Floyd Mayweather beats him

O'Neill at 4.5? Lay that motherfucker with everything you've got

Paulie Malignaggi is the biggest turd in boxing history and Aerial Telly is a first ballot Hall of Famer whose genius for calling the big fights is unparalleled

The robbery that wasn't, why Malignaggi is a massive toid and why Pig Tits slaps Poorly into an early grave

Ricky Fatton CAN beat Floyd Mayweather. But the value is Ugly Boy Floyd at 1.57

Roid Jones jnr? You must be joking, Joke.

Turdmain Failure will show Carl Froch that there is more to boxing than the ability to be punched in the face repeatedly without falling over

Turdmain Failure is the worst bastard in the history of forever

Valuev is such a gigantic turd even chinny blowhard ducker David Haye can flush him

When Ricky Hatton beats Paulie Malignaggi like Aerial Telly readers beat their Johnsons, "people" will wonder why the price was 1.48 just days before the massacre

Yes, Aerial Telly puts his money where his miggedy mouth is

You'd have to be a total kiddy fiddler not to back Ricky Hatton against Jose Luis Castillo when Bet Direct are offering 1.62

 

TV REVIEWS (cont'd)

Pushing Daisies series premiere...

Richard and Judy

Rome Season One

Saxondale

The Secret Life of A Manic Depressive

The Secret Policemen's Ball

Seduction School: Size Doesn't Matter

Sex Addict

Seymour Butts

Shameless

Shameless Season 4

Shane

The Shield

The Shield - Season Five Finale

The Shield - Season 6

The Shield series finale

Six Feet Under

Skins

Skins Season 2

Smoking Room

Sons of Anarchy

Sons of Anarchy Season 2 Premiere

The Sopranos Season 6

Space Cadets

The Spy Who Stole My Life

State of the TV Nation Address

Stepkids In Love

Studs of Suburbia

Summer Heights High

Supernanny

Surviving Disaster

Take That... for the Record

Talk to me

Ted Bundy - Natural Porn Killer

Terminator - The Sarah Connor Chronicles

The Thick Of It

The Thick of It Series 3

This Life +10

This World: Kidnap Cops

True Stories - The Trials Of Amanda Knox

Too Ugly For Love

True Blood

True Blood Season 2 Final

TV's Naughtiest Blunders

Unanimous

Underbelly

Veronica Mars

Veronica Mars Season Three Half-term Report

Veronica Mars Season Two

Veronica Mars Season Three Premiere

Veronica Mars Season Three finale

A Very Social Secretary

Weeds

Weeds Season 3

Weeds Season 4

Weeds Season 5 Finale

Weeds Season 5 Premiere

When Fearne Met Peaches

When Lineker Met Maradona

Wimbledon coverage

The Wire Season 3

The Wire, Season 4

The Wire Season 5 Premiere

The Wire Series Finale

World Cup coverage

World's Deadliest Gangs

X Factor 2005

X-Factor 2007

X-Factor 2008

X-Factor 2009

 

 

MISC REVIEWS

40 Pupils Suspended For Bullying

606 with Danny Baker

Amazon Review Scum

Blowjob monologues and the like

Everything is retro, funky and kitsch on eBay nowadays

Floyd Mayweather v Carlos Manuel Baldomir

An Illustrated History of Dis

Fooled By Randomness

Hip-hop

Indie kids - munching on cock all day, every day, from now until forever

Listen up, douchebags: Larry Merchant KO1 murdering rapist hype merchant scum that constitute boxing's deal-making fight-avoiding turd elite

Morales v Barrera III

Music Sounds Better With You(tube)

NME cool list

Playlouder Reviews

Roid Jones jnr? You must be joking, Joke

Stan Collymore

The Streets

Vertigolf

War Winehouse!

We Expose Palace Security As A Bag Of Shite