Meat headed woman beating yam-yam Dingle piece of shit Stan Collymore once berated Ulrika Jonsson for coming forward as a victim of domestic violence. It wasn't domestic violence, Stan argued, because he beat her up in public. And the worst thing about domestic violence was that it was hidden. No, Stanley - the worst thing about domestic violence is somebody bigger than you punching you hard in the face. But they may, of course, be smaller than you and they may be a girl as the wretched excuses for manhood that squeaked their pain through heavily disguised interviews on Five's Battered Men: Hidden Livesdemonstrated.

"No, Stanley - the worst thing about domestic violence is somebody bigger than you punching you hard in the face."

The programme focused on the case of Peter McBride, a 28 year-old man stabbed through the heart by his long-term abusive girlfriend Sonia, a Kelly Holmes lookalike who shall hereafter be referred to as Killy Holmes. Peter managed to ring an ambulance before he passed out and, defending his tormentor to the last, told the operator that he had fallen on the knife. That's what I call taking one for the team. Killy was only too happy to go along with this version of events - her broad position was that she NEVER DONE IT.

"Advertisers placed a Nuts advert in the middle of this. 'Womennnn! Don't expect any help on a Thursday (particularly if you've just murdered your boyfriend)'"

It's good to see advertisers have a sense of humour about domestic abuse, placing a Nuts advert in the middle of this, right after a particularly harrowing tale of ass whipping. "Womennnn! Don't expect any help on a Thursday (particularly if you've just murdered your boyfriend)." The male contributors to the programme kept their identities a secret - quite rightly, as they should be ashamed of themselves. All bar one. One man determined to go public. One Matthew Hadfield, a deluded self-pitying fraud, who told of a litany of abusive and controlling behaviour from his ex-girlfriend. "You couldn't have a shower by yourself" he said. Cool. If life gives you lemons, Matty Boy, you make lemon meringue pie and shower like it's 1999.

"If your skank ass ho pulled that shit with me I'd kick her cunt so hard she wouldn't walk for a month."

Matthew was very insistent that you should never hit a woman back. Yeah? Why the fuck not? If your skank ass ho pulled that shit with me I'd kick her cunt so hard she wouldn't walk for a month. Matthew preferred instead to take camera phone footage of one of his beatdowns to show the Rozzers. In what amounted to a very funny happy slapping video Matthew was beaten to the ground by some crazy bitch we couldn't see properly. I'm hoping this turns up on Youtube so I can get a proper look. As she pummels him senseless, his girl screams "Hit me back!". But of course he doesn't because he's a pathetic excuse for a man. Hadfield is a self-pitying twat who should have smacked the shit out of this fucking whore the moment she started acting up. I felt like smacking him myself.

"Dr Sheri Jacobson - psychotherapist with a doctorate in cunt kicking was a fountain of wisdom on the subject."

There were reconstructions of Pete and Killy's life together. Possessive controlling lunacy escalated into violence outbursts and emotional abuse. His family looked on, powerless to intervene. You had to feel sympathy for them as it was ultimately up to Pete to deal with the maniac he'd brought into his life. Dr Sheri Jacobson - psychotherapist with a doctorate in cunt kicking was a fountain of wisdom on the subject. She offered several reasons why men stay with abusive partners. They love them. They believe they can be a saviour. They stay for the sake of the children. The usual eye rolling stuff that makes you despair of the male gender.

"You can pay $100 a hour to find out it's all because she got touched up in a taxi once or grew up in care or was forced to watch All About Me at an impressionable age. All fascinating I'm sure, but who really gives a fuck?"

"There are various strategies to tackle women's aggressive nature" she insisted. No, Doctor, there's one: if she starts acting aggressively towards you, calmly let her know that if she tries that mess again you will smack the ever loving shit out of her. And then, if she persists - you do it. Or you can pay $100 an hour to find out it's all because she got touched up in a taxi once or grew up in care or was forced to watch All About Me at an impressionable age. All fascinating I'm sure, but who really gives a fuck?

"Cunt kicking is an emancipatory act as long as you haven't watched any girls in the nuddy immediately beforehand."

Of course the Battered Men's Incognito Massive had some terrific advice for any cowering male Domestos abuse victims watching. "Talk to other people, share your experiences, blah blah blah". No, you fucking nancy boys. Put your boots on and commence with the cunt kicking. If a cunt hits you, you hit them back. To not do so on the grounds of gender is deeply sexist. As Andrea Dworkin points out in Pornography, cunt kicking is an emancipatory act as long as you haven't watched any girls in the nuddy immediately beforehand.

"Women only respect strength. That's why your girlfriend is fucking Aerial Telly. That's why serial killers get sacks full of girly fan mail and Paul McCartney gets fucked over by a one-legged porno dragon."

The bottom-line is women only respect strength. That's why your girlfriend is fucking Aerial Telly. That's why serial killers get sacks full of fan mail and Paul McCartney gets fucked over by a one-legged porno dragon. Male domestic abuse is not a problem. It's bad enough self-pitying women staying with turds who are kicking their asses but at least they have the (admittedly piss weak) excuse that the turd is bigger than them. Most of these men deserve to get slapped upside their head.

"'Peter was on a life support system for six days. But he was brain dead.' No change there then."

As for Peter McBride we were told how "Peter was on a life support system for six days. But he was brain dead." No change there then. But the family decided to switch off the machine anyway as it was affecting the Sony PlayStation's performance or something. Killy Holmes had done for her boyfriend just as she'd threatened to. It was horrible to watch his grieving family. But there will be more families like that if we persist with this useless notion that violence solves nothing.

"Staying with somebody who's kicking your ass makes you a turd. Not saviour, survivor, victim, nor martyr. Just another low-life attention-seeking turd."

Violence is wrong. Unless somebody's just done it to you, in which case it's right, just and desirable. Staying with somebody who's kicking your ass makes you a turd. Not saviour, survivor, victim, nor martyr. Just another low-life attention-seeking turd refusing to take responsibility for their life. Seriously, go fuck yourself. Turning up on my television looking for sympathy because you got punked by a poison dwarf with intimacy issues. You think you've got problems? Got my laptop back early today. With exactly the same problem I sent it away with. Think I'm in the mood to empathise with your crazy girlfriend stories? If you've read this far, I'm guessing not.

The best thing about it: The phone camera footage of Matthew Hadfield getting what was coming to him

The worst thing about it: The general cluelessness of everybody involved.

The verdict on Battered Men: Hidden Lives : "Me too" victimology free-for-all.

Marks out of 10: 5

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