Hey cocksmokers. It's around that time of year where no account TV turkeys vote for Thanksgiving and surf towards the Aerial Telly velodrome for news of the annual awards. At first it's a trickle but it quickly becomes a cascade as the television industry catches on that the only awards that ever have mattered or ever will matter are online in all their stark pitiless glory. Crippled by anxiety attacks and comfort masturbating as they look for their names, they end up either weeping with relief or screaming in horror as their careers are made and broken before their coke monged eyes. Because Aerial Telly is not some bought and sold TV critic sucking up to celebrity, drinking cocktails with feral TV scum, slurping media jizz as if life itself depended on it. Nor is Aerial Telly some public school fuck who wandered into television criticism by accident because he went to the right college at Oxford. No, Aerial Telly is a savage beast, an untamed, ungovernable monster who builds and destroys reputations like the interventionist God Nick Cave doesn't believe in.
"Battle anybody - I don't care who you tell" - thus spake LL Cool J and that's exactly what you can expect when Aerial Telly is in the place. He doesn't do telly - he is telly; begotten not made of one being the telly. Fuck you in both eye sockets if you doubt it.
Best show: Breaking Bad, AMC
It could easily have been Boardwalk Empire, Terence Winter's ultra-slick Prohibition-era period piece, but AMC's Breaking Bad continued its career through Albuquerque's drug trade in a stunning third season that saw Walt decline further into moral torpor, revealed more of the intriguingly enigmatic drug lord Gus and introduced us to the terrifying Cousins, the most menacing villains on the box. Ballsy, principled and heartbreaking, the show was as taut and daring as it's ever been in its three season run. When it dies, let its gravestone read: the show that WENT THERE.
Worst show: FlashForward, ABC
They lost consciousness; we lost our minds. Christ knows it had stiff competition - Phone Shop, The Persuasionists, The Prisoner all drank mare's piss, swilled, gargled and swallowed - but nothing summed up the malaise of overblown tailspinning television in 2010 like GashBoreward. In taking a promising premise into some of the most fatuous territory television has ever broached, GnashJawMerde was a pioneer of conspiracy shit-eating that blazed a trail for blows like Rubicunt and The Event. In giving another outlet for Dominic Monaghan to creep everybody the fuck out with his goblin ears SlashBoreturd wrote another chapter in one of the most baffling success stories in Hollywood. Lacking looks, talent and charisma, his career makes Kaspar Hauser's appearance seem explicable.
Sonya Walger's future knickers of doom couldn't save MashWhoregurd from its massively deserved shitcanning. Hilariously poor dialogue, Blowhindturd from Heroes style navelgazing and a signature sucky performance from lead acturd Blowseph Whines assured an early bath for BashYourBird and the sense of relief around the shiny planet called Earth was palpable.
Best performance by a male: Benedict Cumberbatch as Holmes in Sherlock, BBC
Jon Hamm continued to captivate, Bryan Cranston was electric but Beenadick Cumdumpsnatch pulled off the thesp coup of the year by putting a fresh spin on the done-to-death private dick Sherlcock Blowmes. Charismatic, prickly and borglike, Cumdumpsnatch's Holmes had a fantastic unpredictable energy. Dangerous, mercurial and whip-smart, he took in every molecule of his environment via his 360° chameleon vision with an arrogance that was engaging, not nausey. Never an easy task but Cummy nailed it as precisely as any acturd ever will.
Best performance by a female: Ruth Wilson as Alice Morgan in Luther, BBC
It was the best of shows, it was the worst of shows, but for the main Luther was a riot - an irresistible pleasure and that was down in no small part to Mad "she's crazy" Alice played with manic glee by Ruth Wilson. The oddball Hannibal and Clarice relationship she had with John Luther was preposterous, funny and touching and Wilson will never have a better role. Endless Monkfish clichés and moody cop poses couldn't rustify her love. She knew he was nitroglycerin but she wasnae listening.
Skankiest bangs on TV: Alessandra Torresani
Although Caprica went a little bit shite and couldn't really complain about its cancellation its star Alessandra Torresani forged a role as a skanky banged, Queen of Slut Town with a series of eye-popping photo shoots and outfits that made her look a proper floozy cooze. No complaints were heard Casa Aerial.
TV pie of the year: Krysten Ritter as Lily Champagne in Gravity, Starz
Torresani may have had the skank but Krysten Ritter had the beauty and the bangs. As suicidal fuckhead Lily Champagne she foxed her way through Starz's impressive but doomed Gravity with the easy grace you expect from a former boneypie model.
Best writer not called Aerial Telly: Shawn Ryan
When you've made the illest cop show in history you could be forgiven for resting on your laurels. But that's just not how The Shield creator Shawn Ryan rolls. Coming back harder than ever with the magnificent Terriers on Fx, Ryan proved once again he is one of the biggest and most slept-on talents in the industry. 2011's The Chicago Code seems likely to keep his streak going. Beast.
Funniest bastard on the planet: Louis CK
Not content with releasing his kick ass Hilarious live DVD, Boston stand-up Louis CK confirmed his position as the comedian othe comedians want to be - the best motherfucker out there - with his consistently brilliant Louie sitcom on Fx. Utterly fearless like a great stand-up should be, Louis CK brought it 'til it stayed brung in 2010 winning an unlikely but much deserved second season for Louie in 2011.
Biggest letdown: World Cup 2010
Shit country, twat ball, Holocaust horns, no goals, no stars and no joy, the worst World Cup in history made an event that is almost impossible to screwup practically unwatchable. At least it got the ending right with the valiant Spaniels triumphing over the cynical thugs from the Lowlands.
Most unjustly culled show: Party Down
Balless, soulless, woman abuser Chris Albrecht ruined yet more women's lives when he cancelled the unimpeachable Party Down, (co-created by television god Rob Thomas) after taking over at Starz. It got two seasons when it deserved ten. I don't care if nobody but the cast and crew themselves watched it - it DEMANDED to be made until it bankrupted everyone involved. Its memory lives on. Aerial Telly will keep it alive. Count on it.