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"a depressing but brilliant read.... a superbly written manifesto for nothing." Daniel Hart
"This is the job interview from Hell, you slaaaaags...." Sir Alan Sugar informs his craven hopefuls in The Apprentice opening credits. In hamming it up like this, he's not really helping his cause of making The Apprentice a show that promotes business and doesn't just act up in the way every other reality TV show does. I don't care about business. I don't care if the economy grinds to a halt tomorrow and we're all shovelling shit out of cuckoo clocks in the streets. What I care about is good television and despite all the Sugarman's worst efforts The Apprentice continues to provide it. Sugar has declared the class of 2007 a superior bunch to last year's mob though it's difficult to see any huge improvement in this year's backstabbing shitbags.
"I don't care about business. I don't care if the economy grinds to a halt tomorrow and we're all shovelling shit out of cuckoo clocks in the streets. What I care about is good television."
The two stars of the series so far have been Katie and Tre. Kuntie is one of the strangest looking women I have ever seen. With her massive head and builders hands she looks like a Ralph Steadman caricature. She has the cold fish-eyes of a killer with the ruthlessness to back it up. She's a bossy matriarch in the field and a gloves off street fighter in the boardroom. While she makes her share of mistakes (DJ-ing in Richmond, her softly-softly approach in the art gallery task) she's certainly a formidable opponent. Her boardroom trashing of professional northern dullard Adam was particularly brutal.
"Let's just agree that Tre's a sick piece of shit and mutant freakzoid who has no business being on anyone's TV screen ever."
And Tre is one of the strangest looking mammals I have ever seen. He has that Shaggy from Scooby Doo skull with the League of Gentlemen nostrils and grin. But Aerial Telly is not one to poke fun at other people's appearances. Let's just agree that he's a sick piece of shit and mutant freakzoid who has no business being on anyone's TV screen ever and be done with it. Tre has boasted that he can bullshit with the best of them and he's not wrong there. With the ability to start an argument in an empty room and piss off people he's never even met Tre is certainly a prickly customer. But his ability to think on his feet, canny sales savvy and impressive work ethic have seen him look at times head-and-shoulders above the rest.
"Kuntie has been jumping the bones of Paul, the military man-child and inventor of the empty baked beans tin oven device - a unique contraption which brilliantly flash fried a sausage in under 4 hours."
Kuntie capitalised on her unlikely and frankly baffling house siren status by jumping the bones of Paul, the military man-child and inventor of the empty baked beans tin oven device - a unique contraption which brilliantly flash fried a sausage in under 4 hours. United by snobbery and eugenics, Kuntie and Paul formed an effective alliance against nay-sayers but it was clear that Kuntie was wearing the (one size too small) trousers and it was no surprise when he took the fall for her in the boardroom when Sir Alan found that they were "carrying on" and "canoodling" (and getting up to hanky-panky no doubt).
"We need Kuntie, Tre and Kristina (who clearly missed her vocation as a UVF enforcer) in a three-way pissing contest in the boardroom to make this the best Apprentice ever."
Elsewhere on The Apprentice there is Ghazal who is a sexually attractive woman and therefore worthy of a place in the final. This lovely piece of pie makes Aerial Telly think of an Afghan hound every time he sees her. She doesn't ever seem to do much but she can rabbit on like a motherfucker in the boardroom and I like having the Scottish pie around so she stays.
Remorselessly nasty and vindictive, Kuntie has provided some great talking head footage and Tre is never less than compelling viewing. Really, we need Kuntie, Tre and Kristina (who clearly missed her vocation as a UVF enforcer) in a three-way pissing contest in the boardroom to make this the best Apprentice ever.
The best thing about it: The simmering hatred between Kuntie and Kristina
The worst thing about it: The faceless chair moisteners who inexplicably get picked from thousands of applicants each year
